Insignificance

So many things going in my head and yet I can't write much..its just stuck in my head..like a draft..

I am overwhelmed. Exhausted. Confused.

Overwhelmed with all the emotional outburst.

Exhausted with all the running around.

Confused with all that is happenning and all that I am feeling.

I keep telling myself 'Nah, its not a big deal, I can handle it,' yet I know that I seriously can't handle it all by myself. I just lie on my bed, ignoring everything.

I take solace of the crappy internet connection at home.

I talk to random people. I meet one or two for a cup of coffee and end up feeling stupid.

Some ask me questions about things, which I try to avoid, because I no more want to answer them. I think there is no need to.

I get invited to weddings and I disregard the invitations because I don't want to go.

I haven't read anything for the last two months. I feel like I am wasting time in senseless stuffs.

I have so much work to do, and yet the so much continues to remain so much.

A very good friend said, 'Don't worry. You are perhaps waiting for a new leap that your life is going to take.'

May be. May be.

In company of a beautiful woman

Why are pregnant women the most beautiful of all?

mischief

stupid
estupid
eestupid
eesstupid
teenager
eesstupid
eestupid
estupid
stupid

A Blessing

May you awaken to the mystery of being here and enter the quiet immensity of your own presence.
May you have joy and peace in the temple of your senses.
May you receive great encouragement when new frontiers beckon.
May you respond to the call of your gift and find the courage to follow its path.
May the flame of anger free you from falsity.
May warmth of heart keep your presence aflame and may anxiety never linger about you.
May your outer dignity mirror an inner dignity of soul.
May you take time to celebrate the quiet miracles that seek no attention.
May you be consoled in the secret symmetry of your soul.
May you experience each day as a sacred gift woven around the heart of wonder.

 

~ John O'Donohue ~

(The blessing was waiting in my inbox early morning. Thanks to the sender)

 

habits

The chill of the night has already started making me uncomfortable. I am the kind of person who wears socks, jackets, and if need be, put on a woolen topi to bed. Today, I dont have socks on and my feet are all confused. They are twisting and the nerves are stretching, and not letting me sleep. My sister is already asleep and can't disturb her for a pair of socks. Thats what happens when you have wierd habits.

Lonely dreamer

Hate to share this, but I read it somewhere recently, and so sharing.

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Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

My microbus ride

I hadn't used a public vehicle for a long time now. The microbus ride that I took today made me realize that I have missed those congested rides, the random conversations that people have, on issues ranging from increasing prices, to heartbreaks, to family issues, to that boss who is a jerk.

Using a bike everyday, has kind of made me immune to the surroundings. While I notice the excessive increase in pollution, the after-rain potholes in the city roads, the too many vehicles, even more of people. But there were some things that I certainy missed noticing. The microbus drive was a revelation. The Kathmandu skies covered with kites, the little boys and girls with their lattais, people hurrying with their shopping bags, the more-than-busy malls, and even the air all made me realize that the festive season is here. Dashain is just around the corner, and this is the time of the year, when Kathmandu becomes pristine, when I wake up to the sounds of birds chirping and greeted by the big orange morning sun, and when the misty-morning's fresh air takes away the lethargy.

I had failed to notice these changes, but now since I have noticed the positives, I am a little less bothered by the traffic, the rush, the congestion. I feel happy to know that the country is going to be basking in the festivities in a couple of weeks' time, and hopefully forget, for at least some time, the problems that have been engulfing them!

What i think in the middle of the night

Tonight, my sleep was disturbed at 2:00 AM by the sound of a cockroach moving across the room (yes, again). But for the first time, I am thankful to the monster. Luckily, it tried to show its acrobatic skills by jumping from over the almirah. It fell down over its back, and has not been able to jump back on its feet..haha. So it is still struggling hard. It’s an ugly sight, but a relieving one.

Anyway, so why am I thankful to it (he/she??) ? First, I was alerted in a way not to be able to fall asleep again. This gave me a chance to work on an incomplete report which has been pending for ages (read 1.5 years). Second, I got a chance to think over ‘things.’

The ‘things’ are very random. There have been thoughts in my head for a long time, and I have not really expressed them to anyone, not that I intend to, anyway. I feel distant from people, in general. From people, I mean, friends, family, and loved ones. I feel emotionally distant. Everybody has an opinion for me. While the truth is nobody really cares. They say things to boost their egos, to let me know how much more practical they are than me, how they are happier because of the decisions they made, and blah blah. For a change, I don’t react to them. I don’t want to. There is no point. I just accept what they say. My energy is drained out. I just nod, and agree, boosting their egos further. Not that I don’t love them. But just that I don’t feel that my wavelength matches theirs at this point in time.

So, the things I think over makes me realize that after a long time, I have been feeling a better about the turn my life has taken. Everything happens for a reason, apparently. It took me a while to internalize it in a way not to feel miserable. Last year was bad. But then, I realize the value of a better this year. It is not the best, but let’s not go into that. I think I was blinded for a long time. A very long time. But now that I can see things from a clearer perspective, I know that misery will follow us until we let it follow us. It is up to us to close the door and let it go away. I am learning that art, and it is making me happier, more content, so much in a way that I feel aged with all the wisdom J I am no longer angry with anyone, I have no complains, I have no regrets, and I no longer carry the burden that I have been carrying for months. I have learnt to let go. Just like others have. May be this was meant to be how it is. And perhaps, it is the best arrangement for everybody. Just one thing. Wish I was not this empty.

Good times

It is such a relief to be able to talk about yourself to someone who does not judge you for what you have done, or how you feel. Yesterday evening was a delight. The conversation over the bowl of hot and sour soup, tucked inside the blankets, away from the craziness of the city, without the care of anything else, was soothing. It was one of those rare evenings that I look forward to. I love conversations. I love hot and sour soup. I love good company.

Something about love

I could be the worst person to write about love. The clock is ready to strike 2 at night, and there is nothing else I can think about between the tossing and turning, and the struggle to sleep. I don't know if I will be doing any justice writing about this four-lettered word, which has so much to it, so much depth, so much that I can't possibly express. I still want to try because I have been thinking about it a lot lately.

Five of my best friends got married this year, to the best people who fit perfectly in their lives. It is humbling to see them together, to know that they are meant to be the way they are. Some of my girlfriends have changed their surnames post their marriages, some are struggling hard to get up early every day so that they can tend to the needs of their new families before they zoom to their offices, almost all are becoming multi-tasking goddesses, and are trying their best to fit in their new lives. The good news is, they are all happy with the transformations, no matter how difficult it is for them. They make me realize that changing your way of life for someone is not so bad after all, if it is done for love. A friend flew to another country, another continent, just so that she could be closer to that one person who she thinks she can spend the rest of her life with. I have never seen her so excited about life. This is humbling to see, to know that she is turning into the best of herself, because of her man.

My own relationships with X and Y have taught me so much about love. I made mistakes, I grew, I learnt. It always happens that relationships that don't work out leave a bitter taste, a void. They have done the same for me. But regardless of how I feel, or how they have made me feel, I want thank them for teaching me invaluable lessons. I might not really know what love is, but I have ended up knowing what love is not. I have read it innumerable times, but I understand it now. Love is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It does not keep record of wrongs. It is not rude. It is not proud. It does not boast. It always protects. It always trusts. Always hopes, always preserves. It never fails. Or else, it is not love.

Between my friends who are so much in love with their husbands, between those who have found love, between those who are ready to take that plunge, I think that I wouldn't mind having the same for myself. I would like to share that joyful companionship with someone, to share my dreams, my hopes, my breakfast, my room, and my life. But then I also enjoy what I have now. I know that this is never going to come back. I like the thought of just being able to do things on my own, to be able to go to that shop and get what I want without having to depend on someone to chose the best one for me, to be able to meet my girlfriends whenever I want to, to be able to flirt with that cute guy, to prove myself to be a better daugher, a better sister, a better aunt. And look out for the man who is going to make me feel complete, who will embrace me, and stick to me for life.

A colleague shared some words of wisdom today. Life has a strange way of making things work out, she said, just have faith and everything will fall into right places. I am sure they will.

More random thoughts

• Met a friend after ages yesterday (Well, I don't really call her a friend anymore. Let us say an aquaintance). There was a look in her eyes that said how sorry she feels for me. Seriously? Well, I didn't need that look. I didn't need her sympathy. There is nothing to feel sorry about me. 
• I love being a woman. I mean it. But every month, there is this time when I hate the feeling. Today is one of those times. I have been in bed, curled up, waiting for the day to get over. It gets worse because I don't even have the energy to get up and prepare something hot to soothe my troubled body. 
• I love this country. I love this city. Despite the vices. And all I get back is dust, pollution, honking bikes, bad roads, terrible traffic, ruthless people, cursing, bad behavior, coldness, indifference. I have never hated this city more than I hated it yesterday. I wished I could just disappear from here.
• I recently heard someone saying that every person going through break-ups need some time alone to understand oneself, to learn about one's needs and priorities. I realize what this means.
• I wept in front of two strangers, because another a**hole stranger yelled at me for no reason at all. No one has ever talked to me in that tone. I was shocked. The tears welled up not because of the shouting, but because of my helplessness at the situation. I couldn't shout back, that's just not me. I swear I wished I had the guts to strangle that jerk.
• I wish to go on a long vacation, where all I do is sleep, read good books in a hammock, loiter around, without the care of anything.  

First day of the week

They say after night comes day, but why don't they say that after each day comes night. Today was horrible, after beautiful yesterday. Yesterday night I had slept feeling a little less burdened, feeling a little more liberated, feeling a lot better. Not that anything changed in the morning. Just that I spent most of it chasing a mouse that had taken over my kitchen. It still is in the kitchen, under a box (it took an immense amount of courage to throw that box over the monster), and I am just too scared to lift the box. Google says that a mouse can survive without oxygen for two hours. Its been inside the box for the last 11 hours. What if it is dead? What if it is still alive? Both ways, it gives me creeps to just think about it. Z says 'Why would you be scared of a tiny creature like a mouse? It is your palm size.' I know. But boy, it surely is scary, and disgusting, I think more disgusting than scary, or vice versa. Oh, I am not sure.

So, that was not all. My bike broke down. I hate it when that happens to me in the morning right before I go to office. The  neighbors had a good show as I endlessly tried to start the bike, but it would not comply.

At work, people upset me. May be I wanted to get upset with them, or may be they were being jerky. I don't know.

Such a bad start of the week, that too on a festive day. Why O' Why?

So much love

This is going to be a cheesy post, but cheesy is what I am :))

I had forgotten what it feels to feel special. To feel loved. To feel valued.

I choked today, not out of sadness for a change. It was out of happiness. bliss.

For a moment, I just closed my eyes. I wanted to seize the moment. And, I did.

There was so much love on that table. I can't stop smiling as I write this. Too much love can be scary. I agree with D. I too am scared of losing. But I also know that this love will not cease. This is going to last.

Touchwood.

The pile of work stares at me, and I stare back at it, without caring to finish it. I don't much care about the work, neither do I care about the second round of dinner I hog, the second bar of chocolate I finish, the lethargy, the loneliness, the quiet, and the world. For a change, I feel content, regardless of so many imperfections in my life. Applause.

thoughts during loadshedding hours

I cant believe that I am writing after so long and yet all I can think about is desperation....This might not be a very good time for me. .there are mornings when I don't want to wake up because I don't want to go to office, there are days when I feel sad about myself, about the lack of excitement in my life, there are nights when I twist and turn in my bed because I can't sleep at the thought of 'certain things'. Just that such mornings, days and nights have turned out to be quite a common happening. I hate this feeling. I hate the overexpectations I have from my life. I hate it even more because I know that I am already getting a lot more than what most people get.

So, as such feelings of desperation rule over me, I try to think about the good things in my life, (there might not be many). And I can't help but smile. I realize that life is not such a bitch after all. It does give some magical moments. Those moments are defined by some special people, whose presence I absolutely value. I have friends who get me green bangles for Shrawan (not that I am fond of bangles and all that jazz), I have BFFs (we now call each other Sisters by Choice), who can brighten up my day with just a text, or a photo on our secret FB group :D, I have two most beautiful nieces who cling to me everytime I visit them (each time they insist that I stay back at their place. So what I dont have my night clothes. They are always ready to lend me their raincoats), I have a crazy group of people who has defined my life like no one else ever has. Its truly a matter of perspective. I dont know why but I always end up looking at the darker side of life while the brighter side is so much more prominent, so much more meaningful, so much more, so much more.

wicked

Today, i feel ekdummai wicked.
hijo ni tyestai tyestai thiyo.
ramailo lagdai cha yesto hunuma :P

Lover Man

Someday we'll meet
and you'll dry all my tears
and whisper, sweet little things
in my ear
hugging and kissing
Oh, what we've been missing
Lover Man
Oh, where can you be...

--Billie Holiday

together for life

It happens raicha. You don't want to write for days and weeks. For a long time now, I have just been condescending my thoughts into memories rather than writing them, because I know that my writing would do no justice to the moments I was experiencing. I am glad I did not write because what I have in my head is a lot better than what I would have in black and white.

Just a sneak peak on my experience of last evening. I was invited to a wedding party. It was a party to celebrate the wedding of an 80-year old couple. They were celebrating 50 years of their wedded life. The evening was enchanting. But mostly, it was the couple who stole the show. They looked so beautiful together. Touchwood.

Things that have been bothering me

1. Generally, I am very agreeable person. But my agreement comes only if the person trying to get me to agree is logical and convincing. If someone tries to coerce their decision on me, I can't stand it, and I swear, I won't stand it.
2. I find it strange that how can some people can go on and on and on regardless of whether or not the other person is interested in the senseless jabbering. I am with one such person, and it is making me sick.
3. I don't know why it is so difficult for a person to be able to live life in his/her own terms. Why do people keep imposing their ideas of a good life upon me? I know what is best for me. Why can't they just shut up and mind their own business?
4. I made one of the longest and the curviest road travel yesterday. For the first time in life, I threw up (while traveling), after hours of uneasiness. It felt good. I wish I could throw up my emotions too, and feel good about my life.
5.  I was born and raised in one of the hottest cities of the country, and yet now, when I am in another hot city, I feel like I will die of the summer heat, the humidity, and lack of air.
6. I have been wearing kurta for one of the most extended periods of time. I miss my casual self. I miss my real self.

Amo la Vida!

This is absolutely amazing, being able to enjoy my cup of tea amidst beautiful sunset, beautiful people, beautiful everything.

There is a very famous temple right across the place I am staying. The sound of the bells is divine.

The view from the hotel, which I am enjoying as I write this.

The sunset

The beautiful houses and the alleys