Not even death could do them apart

And this time…I knew why the phone was ringing early in the morning. He left us because he had to be with her…I hope they are together somewhere, and looking over their kids.



We miss you maa and bauji.

Losing her

I lost my grandmom yesterday. This is my first experience of losing a loved one. I don’t know how to feel, how to react. When dad called me at 7:00 in the morning I avoided his call thinking that he must be on his morning walk, and called me in the wee hour just to ask of my well being. Thinking of calling him back later, I pulled my quilt over my face. The second time my phone vibrated with my aunt’s call, I knew something was wrong. The wailing sound on the other side of the phone made me jolt from my bed. I felt guilty for avoiding dad’s call, really guilty.

After a bumpy ride in a Tata Sumo for 5 hours, we reached Birgunj with teary eyes. Everyone was waiting for our arrival, for taking away grandmom from us forever. As she lay on the pyre with the red chunari, she was looking just too beautiful and too animated. We were waiting for her to get up and tell us that she is fine, and she is going to be with us for many more years to come. We were waiting for her face to light up and consequently lighting ours. We kept waiting when they took her away for her journey to a new world. “Ram naam satya hai,” they said. The music of the band playing outside told us to celebrate her departure. Just that, we could not.

I was given the responsibility of cleaning the house while they went to the ghaat. As I went upstairs, I looked at the vacant space where she sat every time I visited home. As I entered my room, I expected her to quickly follow me like she always did. She had so many questions to ask, about life, about work, about this, about that. So many questions, I would complain. She had this need for everybody to be with her all the time, not to leave her alone. But, no one would think of her need for being with her as her need to feel loved. Today, when everybody is here for her, it is ironical that she isn’t here to get our love, our affection that is finally coming out of us, something that was hidden deep in our hearts and we never realized it.

As I swiftly do the cleaning and organizing, I wait for the voice that would tell me to get the phone every time it rang even when I were closer to the phone and knew that I am supposed to get it. I wait for the voice that would remind me of the rules and regulations of the house. I long for the authority, the power, the spirituality, the faith.

How we would get agitated every time she saw the repeat telecast of every tele serial and how we would remind her that she had already watched the episode last night. Every time, she would say that “No beta, see this scene was not shown last night.” She monopolized the television set, and now the set lies in the corner, with no one interested in it. As I sit inside my room, the silence of the living room haunts me.

I have grown up with her. I feel guilty for telling the world that she cried when I was born. I have mocked her, I have hurt her. For all those times, I feel sorry. For all those times, I detest myself. How can I have been so mean and so unreasonable? She gave me all the love she could. I was her bitiya rani, the granddaughter she was immensely proud of. Every time someone visited our house, she had one story associated with me to share with everybody. She loved me. How could I have doubted her?

She was always the one in power, and we were so used to it that in her absence, we feel lost. There is sadness, but more than that there is this feeling of losing a guardian, who stopped us every time we were to take a wrong step, a guide who reminded of the little intricacies of life.

There are relatives, well wishes, neighbors, and others who visit our house all day long. Certainly, everyone has anecdotes to share about her. All of them are interesting. Some make us cry, while we laugh over the incident when she literally caned a thief who tried to take her possessions many years back. She was a gossip queen for me in the sense that she had so many stories to share about people that existed in her small world. When the tables turned today, all I could do was smile as I looked at her freshly framed photo.

January 7 2010

Conversations

I am sitting in my temporary office, and have been making an effort since the morning to complete the profile of a politician, but somehow, everytime I click on that document from the bar, my mind gets drifted apart. My concentration is getting wierd, I swear.

The other team members are here and we have been talking. We Nepalese are really opinionated and can really talk. I am actually enjoying the conversation, which is primarily revolving around the constitution. What will the final book look like? After 2 of the CA members died in two separate accidents, we are left with 599 members who will be responsible for finalizing the document. There are so many flaws in the draft constitution and my team leader just informed me that the most sensitive clause regarding citizenship is severely flawed even after innumerable discussion, debates, and what nots. In her words, "We are moving backwards in time." This is scary, really. The issue of citizenship is very sensitive, more than what you and I can understand.

We also talked about the most discussed issue of this decade (at least in our country), The Royal Massacre of 2001. How we three believe that Deependra did not shoot the family. Ha! As if our opinion matters. But nevertheless, we talk about it!

We also believe that NRNs should not be given with dual citizenship because once a person gives up his/her citizenship, that person should no more get the privilege of being a Nepali. We dont believe that a person can be Nepalese by heart. This is a democratic world and a person is free to chose the country s/he wants to live in, but the choice is limited. Only ONE country, my friends! We are happy that the government has decided to give them with identity cards rather than dual citizenship. O our friends around the world, you are now free to make "your" country prosperous through investments..we need them, truly!

We also talk about how our party leaders are manipulated by bideshi forces. I find it funny that how can one country's leaders be manipulated by outsiders. Strange world it is, really. Among the multitude of other issues that we talk about, I am most intrigued by the one regarding the organization called Monsanto and how they destroyed the lives of thousands of farmers in Indian states including Andra Pradesh and Gujarat. Mass suicides happened during the time, just because the notorious Monsanto tried to change India's cotton economy overnight. Do google it, and I am sure you will be baffled and taken aback. Monsanto has come to Nepal, and I am worried.

When I was thinking that I have wasted a day, I am happy that I learnt, a lot!

Social Media and Me

Well, I have been away from the virtual world for a while. There is no particular reason. I guess I felt a need to be away to realize that there is a world beyond this virtual world..the real world, where i can see my friends' face while having a conversation, rather than receiving the smilies and the superficial hahas and lols. I was kind of getting tired of them. So, I deactivated my facebook account. Believe me, it gives a sense of liberation to be away from FB. You have so much free and productive time for yourself. In my case, well, I have had no free time in a while, but otherwise, it can be great.

Just yesterday, I was reading the assignments of Voices of Our Future Applicants on World Pulse . The first assignment was on Web 2.0 and what benefits and drawbacks it brings along and what are the solutions. It was wonderful reading them. I am one of the Listeners for the program, and my job is to evaluate 5 assignments a week. Evaluations can be tricky and scary since you are writing someone's destiny. But i had to do it. Keeping the evaluation part aside, I was really impressed by what the applicants had to say. Then it dawned on me that its upon us on how we use this virtual world. We need to create our own space and manage it accordingly. So, today, I logged on to my Facebook Account, Clicked on Account>Edit Friends and deleted 150 people from my friends list. No offense to anyone, but I had to do it. What is the point of virtually befriending a person you dont know. Its bugging for both the parties. Their walls get filled in with my updates and mine with theirs. They or I should get updates of people who matter, aint it right?

And here I am, on my blog, writing about my feeling of liberation...Guys, if you share the same emotions like mine, go ahead and log on to your Facebook account. Do I need to give any further instructions? Chao:)

Once again

Once again, so many people killed in a plane crash. I have nothing much to write about. I just pray that may their soul rest in peace up there. Amen.

The Football Fever

Well, nothing new about it! The fever has spread, and its gonna stay. But luckily, I stay immune, dont really know why. I am not oooh aahhh about the game, but I watch it just like that (if I can monopolize the television set, that is).I got the morning paper to read the news, and yes, I did get to read the news---all about FOOTBALL. I was kind of disappointed. What about my dose of real news? But probably, the editors knew that since the game is starting today, talking or for that matter, writing about anything else would be foolish. May be they are right. Just because I am not too fond of it doesnt mean that they are not catering to the readers' requirements. So, happy reading guys!

Whatever my sentiments for the game, I still believe that it is a great game, and one thing that I love about it is the fact that it brings everyone together...In a world of so many differences, it is nice to see that a game can unite people (the "favorite team" differences are still there, but they are healthy!). People around the world will be watching the game in complete harmony, and millions of people will be sharing the same feelings about their favorite team.

So, during the one month which is going to be about Football, and more Football, I will make an effort to keep myself updated with what's happening in the scene, so that I don't feel left out! :D