My microbus ride

I hadn't used a public vehicle for a long time now. The microbus ride that I took today made me realize that I have missed those congested rides, the random conversations that people have, on issues ranging from increasing prices, to heartbreaks, to family issues, to that boss who is a jerk.

Using a bike everyday, has kind of made me immune to the surroundings. While I notice the excessive increase in pollution, the after-rain potholes in the city roads, the too many vehicles, even more of people. But there were some things that I certainy missed noticing. The microbus drive was a revelation. The Kathmandu skies covered with kites, the little boys and girls with their lattais, people hurrying with their shopping bags, the more-than-busy malls, and even the air all made me realize that the festive season is here. Dashain is just around the corner, and this is the time of the year, when Kathmandu becomes pristine, when I wake up to the sounds of birds chirping and greeted by the big orange morning sun, and when the misty-morning's fresh air takes away the lethargy.

I had failed to notice these changes, but now since I have noticed the positives, I am a little less bothered by the traffic, the rush, the congestion. I feel happy to know that the country is going to be basking in the festivities in a couple of weeks' time, and hopefully forget, for at least some time, the problems that have been engulfing them!

What i think in the middle of the night

Tonight, my sleep was disturbed at 2:00 AM by the sound of a cockroach moving across the room (yes, again). But for the first time, I am thankful to the monster. Luckily, it tried to show its acrobatic skills by jumping from over the almirah. It fell down over its back, and has not been able to jump back on its feet..haha. So it is still struggling hard. It’s an ugly sight, but a relieving one.

Anyway, so why am I thankful to it (he/she??) ? First, I was alerted in a way not to be able to fall asleep again. This gave me a chance to work on an incomplete report which has been pending for ages (read 1.5 years). Second, I got a chance to think over ‘things.’

The ‘things’ are very random. There have been thoughts in my head for a long time, and I have not really expressed them to anyone, not that I intend to, anyway. I feel distant from people, in general. From people, I mean, friends, family, and loved ones. I feel emotionally distant. Everybody has an opinion for me. While the truth is nobody really cares. They say things to boost their egos, to let me know how much more practical they are than me, how they are happier because of the decisions they made, and blah blah. For a change, I don’t react to them. I don’t want to. There is no point. I just accept what they say. My energy is drained out. I just nod, and agree, boosting their egos further. Not that I don’t love them. But just that I don’t feel that my wavelength matches theirs at this point in time.

So, the things I think over makes me realize that after a long time, I have been feeling a better about the turn my life has taken. Everything happens for a reason, apparently. It took me a while to internalize it in a way not to feel miserable. Last year was bad. But then, I realize the value of a better this year. It is not the best, but let’s not go into that. I think I was blinded for a long time. A very long time. But now that I can see things from a clearer perspective, I know that misery will follow us until we let it follow us. It is up to us to close the door and let it go away. I am learning that art, and it is making me happier, more content, so much in a way that I feel aged with all the wisdom J I am no longer angry with anyone, I have no complains, I have no regrets, and I no longer carry the burden that I have been carrying for months. I have learnt to let go. Just like others have. May be this was meant to be how it is. And perhaps, it is the best arrangement for everybody. Just one thing. Wish I was not this empty.

Good times

It is such a relief to be able to talk about yourself to someone who does not judge you for what you have done, or how you feel. Yesterday evening was a delight. The conversation over the bowl of hot and sour soup, tucked inside the blankets, away from the craziness of the city, without the care of anything else, was soothing. It was one of those rare evenings that I look forward to. I love conversations. I love hot and sour soup. I love good company.

Something about love

I could be the worst person to write about love. The clock is ready to strike 2 at night, and there is nothing else I can think about between the tossing and turning, and the struggle to sleep. I don't know if I will be doing any justice writing about this four-lettered word, which has so much to it, so much depth, so much that I can't possibly express. I still want to try because I have been thinking about it a lot lately.

Five of my best friends got married this year, to the best people who fit perfectly in their lives. It is humbling to see them together, to know that they are meant to be the way they are. Some of my girlfriends have changed their surnames post their marriages, some are struggling hard to get up early every day so that they can tend to the needs of their new families before they zoom to their offices, almost all are becoming multi-tasking goddesses, and are trying their best to fit in their new lives. The good news is, they are all happy with the transformations, no matter how difficult it is for them. They make me realize that changing your way of life for someone is not so bad after all, if it is done for love. A friend flew to another country, another continent, just so that she could be closer to that one person who she thinks she can spend the rest of her life with. I have never seen her so excited about life. This is humbling to see, to know that she is turning into the best of herself, because of her man.

My own relationships with X and Y have taught me so much about love. I made mistakes, I grew, I learnt. It always happens that relationships that don't work out leave a bitter taste, a void. They have done the same for me. But regardless of how I feel, or how they have made me feel, I want thank them for teaching me invaluable lessons. I might not really know what love is, but I have ended up knowing what love is not. I have read it innumerable times, but I understand it now. Love is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It does not keep record of wrongs. It is not rude. It is not proud. It does not boast. It always protects. It always trusts. Always hopes, always preserves. It never fails. Or else, it is not love.

Between my friends who are so much in love with their husbands, between those who have found love, between those who are ready to take that plunge, I think that I wouldn't mind having the same for myself. I would like to share that joyful companionship with someone, to share my dreams, my hopes, my breakfast, my room, and my life. But then I also enjoy what I have now. I know that this is never going to come back. I like the thought of just being able to do things on my own, to be able to go to that shop and get what I want without having to depend on someone to chose the best one for me, to be able to meet my girlfriends whenever I want to, to be able to flirt with that cute guy, to prove myself to be a better daugher, a better sister, a better aunt. And look out for the man who is going to make me feel complete, who will embrace me, and stick to me for life.

A colleague shared some words of wisdom today. Life has a strange way of making things work out, she said, just have faith and everything will fall into right places. I am sure they will.

More random thoughts

• Met a friend after ages yesterday (Well, I don't really call her a friend anymore. Let us say an aquaintance). There was a look in her eyes that said how sorry she feels for me. Seriously? Well, I didn't need that look. I didn't need her sympathy. There is nothing to feel sorry about me. 
• I love being a woman. I mean it. But every month, there is this time when I hate the feeling. Today is one of those times. I have been in bed, curled up, waiting for the day to get over. It gets worse because I don't even have the energy to get up and prepare something hot to soothe my troubled body. 
• I love this country. I love this city. Despite the vices. And all I get back is dust, pollution, honking bikes, bad roads, terrible traffic, ruthless people, cursing, bad behavior, coldness, indifference. I have never hated this city more than I hated it yesterday. I wished I could just disappear from here.
• I recently heard someone saying that every person going through break-ups need some time alone to understand oneself, to learn about one's needs and priorities. I realize what this means.
• I wept in front of two strangers, because another a**hole stranger yelled at me for no reason at all. No one has ever talked to me in that tone. I was shocked. The tears welled up not because of the shouting, but because of my helplessness at the situation. I couldn't shout back, that's just not me. I swear I wished I had the guts to strangle that jerk.
• I wish to go on a long vacation, where all I do is sleep, read good books in a hammock, loiter around, without the care of anything.  

First day of the week

They say after night comes day, but why don't they say that after each day comes night. Today was horrible, after beautiful yesterday. Yesterday night I had slept feeling a little less burdened, feeling a little more liberated, feeling a lot better. Not that anything changed in the morning. Just that I spent most of it chasing a mouse that had taken over my kitchen. It still is in the kitchen, under a box (it took an immense amount of courage to throw that box over the monster), and I am just too scared to lift the box. Google says that a mouse can survive without oxygen for two hours. Its been inside the box for the last 11 hours. What if it is dead? What if it is still alive? Both ways, it gives me creeps to just think about it. Z says 'Why would you be scared of a tiny creature like a mouse? It is your palm size.' I know. But boy, it surely is scary, and disgusting, I think more disgusting than scary, or vice versa. Oh, I am not sure.

So, that was not all. My bike broke down. I hate it when that happens to me in the morning right before I go to office. The  neighbors had a good show as I endlessly tried to start the bike, but it would not comply.

At work, people upset me. May be I wanted to get upset with them, or may be they were being jerky. I don't know.

Such a bad start of the week, that too on a festive day. Why O' Why?