2011

Few hours before 2011 comes to an end. And I look back at the year. And there are very few things about the year that makes me feel good. As far as my memory takes me, this was probably one of the worst years I have lived through. I have been waiting for this year to come to an end, and as it is coming to an end, I feel nothing. All the waiting finally comes down to nothing?

I experienced so many failures this year. I never knew I had the strength to live through such bad times. But I did. Life does not give you any choice but to keep on living. This has been a year of losses, a year of low point in life, a year of failures, a year of change. I experienced, I faltered, I fought, I struggled, I gave up, and with all these I learned.

Three people went away from my life this year. I take with me their memory as I step into 2012.

I thank all the beautiful people who were there for me this year. The endless conversations that I have had with so many of you helped me hold on to myself. Thank you all.

I wish everyone an eventful 2012.

Towards the unknown

Tonight is my last night here in this house. My room, which I always liked clean and organized is a complete mess today. I will be sleeping with cartons occupying half of my room. I never knew I had so much stuffs with me unless today when I started packing them. I am not 10 per cent done. And since there is so much to do, I dont feel like doing anything. Too much panic=zero productivity.

Honestly, I dont want to leave this place. So many memories. Good ones. Bad ones. With each one, I have come out as a better person (or so I feel). And the fact that I will be leaving it tomorrow makes me want to cry. I dont want to sleep tonight. I just want to enjoy my last night here. I dont know when will I get to sit in so much peace, in a place I call my own.

Time

I can't believe that nearly one year has passed since you were gone. Time does fly. Life does move on. It does not remain the same, but it does move on. You carry in your heart some kind of pain, some kind of void, some kind of loneliness, and some kind of burden, but nothing stops. Probably people who leave us give us some special kind of strength that we did not know ever existed within us. I am sure Ma gave us all that strength. Wherever she is, I am sure she is looking on to us, protecting us, making sure we are doing alright. Miss you Ma. You are as alive to me as you always were.

When life leaves a bitter taste

The black forest cake at the Basantpur Cafe that I love so much tasted bad today. The chatpate that I savor is bland.

Heart of Lotus

A conversation that I had with DR made me realize that the only people who have the ability to make you cry are the ones who can really make you smile, not just smile on the exterior, but make your heart swell, swell like a balloon filled with air, flying high.

Ms Gigi, my amazing mentor, had sent me a poem nearly two years back. It was a time when I was questioning myself (I do that quite a lot). She did not judge me or try to guide me through my situation. She just sent me a beautiful poem from'Heart of a Lotus' by Swami Kripalu. I read it every time my heart is heavy. I would like to share it with all of you. May be it will help you when life is pressing you down, like really really down.

"My beloved child,
Break your heart no longer.
Each time you judge yourself, you break your own heart.
You stop feeding on the love which is the wellspring of your vitality.
The time has come. Your time to live, to celebrate.
And to see the goodness that you are.
You my child are divine. You are pure.
You are sublimely free.
You are God in disguise and you are always perfectly safe.
Do not fight the dark, just turn on the light.
Let go and Breathe in to the goodness that you are".

Security

Two days back, i.e. on December 2, 2011, Juju Kaji Bajracharya was found dead at the Guna Jyasa Pasa, a Pulchowk-based jewellery shop. It is really sad. There is no sense of security in our country. But I have heard of no place which is completely secure.

While I was going to Kumaripati, I passed through the same jewellery shop. There were security personnel, media and lots of other people who were demanding something, I do not really know what. They were probably demanding that the culprit be brought to book and that Juju Kaji's family be provided with proper compensation. I really appreciate that in events like this, everyone from the family of the deceased to friends, to strangers come together to ensure that justice is provided.

So, while I was appreciating what they were demanding, I learnt that all the silver and gold shops in Kathmandu were closed. Yes, they were demanding the two things that I mentioned in my last paragraph, but they were also demanding that government ensure the security of silver and gold traders. The officials of Nepal Bullion Dealers Association apparently met with the Home Minister Bijay Kumar Gachhadar to provide necessary security for the traders. I was pretty surprised.

I mean why did they demand only the security of 'gold and silver traders', and not 'countrymen'? Aren't the gold and silver traders part of the whole? and Will they not be guaranteed security if the whole gets such security? I really don't understand such dynamics. When incidents like these happen, people tend to forget the real problem. It is not a certain group, or an occupation that is threatened. It is a macro level problem which needs to be addressed. The issue here is security and not security of a certain group. During times like these, it is nice that a particular community comes together. I however believe that it is not about a particular community, the issue is about the countrymen, and this is what we need to realize.

While they are going ahead with their protest and demand (for which I have serious reservations), I pray that may Juju Kaji's soul be at peace. Amen.