Something about love

I could be the worst person to write about love. The clock is ready to strike 2 at night, and there is nothing else I can think about between the tossing and turning, and the struggle to sleep. I don't know if I will be doing any justice writing about this four-lettered word, which has so much to it, so much depth, so much that I can't possibly express. I still want to try because I have been thinking about it a lot lately.

Five of my best friends got married this year, to the best people who fit perfectly in their lives. It is humbling to see them together, to know that they are meant to be the way they are. Some of my girlfriends have changed their surnames post their marriages, some are struggling hard to get up early every day so that they can tend to the needs of their new families before they zoom to their offices, almost all are becoming multi-tasking goddesses, and are trying their best to fit in their new lives. The good news is, they are all happy with the transformations, no matter how difficult it is for them. They make me realize that changing your way of life for someone is not so bad after all, if it is done for love. A friend flew to another country, another continent, just so that she could be closer to that one person who she thinks she can spend the rest of her life with. I have never seen her so excited about life. This is humbling to see, to know that she is turning into the best of herself, because of her man.

My own relationships with X and Y have taught me so much about love. I made mistakes, I grew, I learnt. It always happens that relationships that don't work out leave a bitter taste, a void. They have done the same for me. But regardless of how I feel, or how they have made me feel, I want thank them for teaching me invaluable lessons. I might not really know what love is, but I have ended up knowing what love is not. I have read it innumerable times, but I understand it now. Love is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It does not keep record of wrongs. It is not rude. It is not proud. It does not boast. It always protects. It always trusts. Always hopes, always preserves. It never fails. Or else, it is not love.

Between my friends who are so much in love with their husbands, between those who have found love, between those who are ready to take that plunge, I think that I wouldn't mind having the same for myself. I would like to share that joyful companionship with someone, to share my dreams, my hopes, my breakfast, my room, and my life. But then I also enjoy what I have now. I know that this is never going to come back. I like the thought of just being able to do things on my own, to be able to go to that shop and get what I want without having to depend on someone to chose the best one for me, to be able to meet my girlfriends whenever I want to, to be able to flirt with that cute guy, to prove myself to be a better daugher, a better sister, a better aunt. And look out for the man who is going to make me feel complete, who will embrace me, and stick to me for life.

A colleague shared some words of wisdom today. Life has a strange way of making things work out, she said, just have faith and everything will fall into right places. I am sure they will.

More random thoughts

• Met a friend after ages yesterday (Well, I don't really call her a friend anymore. Let us say an aquaintance). There was a look in her eyes that said how sorry she feels for me. Seriously? Well, I didn't need that look. I didn't need her sympathy. There is nothing to feel sorry about me. 
• I love being a woman. I mean it. But every month, there is this time when I hate the feeling. Today is one of those times. I have been in bed, curled up, waiting for the day to get over. It gets worse because I don't even have the energy to get up and prepare something hot to soothe my troubled body. 
• I love this country. I love this city. Despite the vices. And all I get back is dust, pollution, honking bikes, bad roads, terrible traffic, ruthless people, cursing, bad behavior, coldness, indifference. I have never hated this city more than I hated it yesterday. I wished I could just disappear from here.
• I recently heard someone saying that every person going through break-ups need some time alone to understand oneself, to learn about one's needs and priorities. I realize what this means.
• I wept in front of two strangers, because another a**hole stranger yelled at me for no reason at all. No one has ever talked to me in that tone. I was shocked. The tears welled up not because of the shouting, but because of my helplessness at the situation. I couldn't shout back, that's just not me. I swear I wished I had the guts to strangle that jerk.
• I wish to go on a long vacation, where all I do is sleep, read good books in a hammock, loiter around, without the care of anything.  

First day of the week

They say after night comes day, but why don't they say that after each day comes night. Today was horrible, after beautiful yesterday. Yesterday night I had slept feeling a little less burdened, feeling a little more liberated, feeling a lot better. Not that anything changed in the morning. Just that I spent most of it chasing a mouse that had taken over my kitchen. It still is in the kitchen, under a box (it took an immense amount of courage to throw that box over the monster), and I am just too scared to lift the box. Google says that a mouse can survive without oxygen for two hours. Its been inside the box for the last 11 hours. What if it is dead? What if it is still alive? Both ways, it gives me creeps to just think about it. Z says 'Why would you be scared of a tiny creature like a mouse? It is your palm size.' I know. But boy, it surely is scary, and disgusting, I think more disgusting than scary, or vice versa. Oh, I am not sure.

So, that was not all. My bike broke down. I hate it when that happens to me in the morning right before I go to office. The  neighbors had a good show as I endlessly tried to start the bike, but it would not comply.

At work, people upset me. May be I wanted to get upset with them, or may be they were being jerky. I don't know.

Such a bad start of the week, that too on a festive day. Why O' Why?

So much love

This is going to be a cheesy post, but cheesy is what I am :))

I had forgotten what it feels to feel special. To feel loved. To feel valued.

I choked today, not out of sadness for a change. It was out of happiness. bliss.

For a moment, I just closed my eyes. I wanted to seize the moment. And, I did.

There was so much love on that table. I can't stop smiling as I write this. Too much love can be scary. I agree with D. I too am scared of losing. But I also know that this love will not cease. This is going to last.

Touchwood.

The pile of work stares at me, and I stare back at it, without caring to finish it. I don't much care about the work, neither do I care about the second round of dinner I hog, the second bar of chocolate I finish, the lethargy, the loneliness, the quiet, and the world. For a change, I feel content, regardless of so many imperfections in my life. Applause.

thoughts during loadshedding hours

I cant believe that I am writing after so long and yet all I can think about is desperation....This might not be a very good time for me. .there are mornings when I don't want to wake up because I don't want to go to office, there are days when I feel sad about myself, about the lack of excitement in my life, there are nights when I twist and turn in my bed because I can't sleep at the thought of 'certain things'. Just that such mornings, days and nights have turned out to be quite a common happening. I hate this feeling. I hate the overexpectations I have from my life. I hate it even more because I know that I am already getting a lot more than what most people get.

So, as such feelings of desperation rule over me, I try to think about the good things in my life, (there might not be many). And I can't help but smile. I realize that life is not such a bitch after all. It does give some magical moments. Those moments are defined by some special people, whose presence I absolutely value. I have friends who get me green bangles for Shrawan (not that I am fond of bangles and all that jazz), I have BFFs (we now call each other Sisters by Choice), who can brighten up my day with just a text, or a photo on our secret FB group :D, I have two most beautiful nieces who cling to me everytime I visit them (each time they insist that I stay back at their place. So what I dont have my night clothes. They are always ready to lend me their raincoats), I have a crazy group of people who has defined my life like no one else ever has. Its truly a matter of perspective. I dont know why but I always end up looking at the darker side of life while the brighter side is so much more prominent, so much more meaningful, so much more, so much more.