Insignificance

So many things going in my head and yet I can't write much..its just stuck in my head..like a draft..

I am overwhelmed. Exhausted. Confused.

Overwhelmed with all the emotional outburst.

Exhausted with all the running around.

Confused with all that is happenning and all that I am feeling.

I keep telling myself 'Nah, its not a big deal, I can handle it,' yet I know that I seriously can't handle it all by myself. I just lie on my bed, ignoring everything.

I take solace of the crappy internet connection at home.

I talk to random people. I meet one or two for a cup of coffee and end up feeling stupid.

Some ask me questions about things, which I try to avoid, because I no more want to answer them. I think there is no need to.

I get invited to weddings and I disregard the invitations because I don't want to go.

I haven't read anything for the last two months. I feel like I am wasting time in senseless stuffs.

I have so much work to do, and yet the so much continues to remain so much.

A very good friend said, 'Don't worry. You are perhaps waiting for a new leap that your life is going to take.'

May be. May be.

In company of a beautiful woman

Why are pregnant women the most beautiful of all?

mischief

stupid
estupid
eestupid
eesstupid
teenager
eesstupid
eestupid
estupid
stupid

A Blessing

May you awaken to the mystery of being here and enter the quiet immensity of your own presence.
May you have joy and peace in the temple of your senses.
May you receive great encouragement when new frontiers beckon.
May you respond to the call of your gift and find the courage to follow its path.
May the flame of anger free you from falsity.
May warmth of heart keep your presence aflame and may anxiety never linger about you.
May your outer dignity mirror an inner dignity of soul.
May you take time to celebrate the quiet miracles that seek no attention.
May you be consoled in the secret symmetry of your soul.
May you experience each day as a sacred gift woven around the heart of wonder.

 

~ John O'Donohue ~

(The blessing was waiting in my inbox early morning. Thanks to the sender)

 

habits

The chill of the night has already started making me uncomfortable. I am the kind of person who wears socks, jackets, and if need be, put on a woolen topi to bed. Today, I dont have socks on and my feet are all confused. They are twisting and the nerves are stretching, and not letting me sleep. My sister is already asleep and can't disturb her for a pair of socks. Thats what happens when you have wierd habits.

Lonely dreamer

Hate to share this, but I read it somewhere recently, and so sharing.

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Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

My microbus ride

I hadn't used a public vehicle for a long time now. The microbus ride that I took today made me realize that I have missed those congested rides, the random conversations that people have, on issues ranging from increasing prices, to heartbreaks, to family issues, to that boss who is a jerk.

Using a bike everyday, has kind of made me immune to the surroundings. While I notice the excessive increase in pollution, the after-rain potholes in the city roads, the too many vehicles, even more of people. But there were some things that I certainy missed noticing. The microbus drive was a revelation. The Kathmandu skies covered with kites, the little boys and girls with their lattais, people hurrying with their shopping bags, the more-than-busy malls, and even the air all made me realize that the festive season is here. Dashain is just around the corner, and this is the time of the year, when Kathmandu becomes pristine, when I wake up to the sounds of birds chirping and greeted by the big orange morning sun, and when the misty-morning's fresh air takes away the lethargy.

I had failed to notice these changes, but now since I have noticed the positives, I am a little less bothered by the traffic, the rush, the congestion. I feel happy to know that the country is going to be basking in the festivities in a couple of weeks' time, and hopefully forget, for at least some time, the problems that have been engulfing them!

What i think in the middle of the night

Tonight, my sleep was disturbed at 2:00 AM by the sound of a cockroach moving across the room (yes, again). But for the first time, I am thankful to the monster. Luckily, it tried to show its acrobatic skills by jumping from over the almirah. It fell down over its back, and has not been able to jump back on its feet..haha. So it is still struggling hard. It’s an ugly sight, but a relieving one.

Anyway, so why am I thankful to it (he/she??) ? First, I was alerted in a way not to be able to fall asleep again. This gave me a chance to work on an incomplete report which has been pending for ages (read 1.5 years). Second, I got a chance to think over ‘things.’

The ‘things’ are very random. There have been thoughts in my head for a long time, and I have not really expressed them to anyone, not that I intend to, anyway. I feel distant from people, in general. From people, I mean, friends, family, and loved ones. I feel emotionally distant. Everybody has an opinion for me. While the truth is nobody really cares. They say things to boost their egos, to let me know how much more practical they are than me, how they are happier because of the decisions they made, and blah blah. For a change, I don’t react to them. I don’t want to. There is no point. I just accept what they say. My energy is drained out. I just nod, and agree, boosting their egos further. Not that I don’t love them. But just that I don’t feel that my wavelength matches theirs at this point in time.

So, the things I think over makes me realize that after a long time, I have been feeling a better about the turn my life has taken. Everything happens for a reason, apparently. It took me a while to internalize it in a way not to feel miserable. Last year was bad. But then, I realize the value of a better this year. It is not the best, but let’s not go into that. I think I was blinded for a long time. A very long time. But now that I can see things from a clearer perspective, I know that misery will follow us until we let it follow us. It is up to us to close the door and let it go away. I am learning that art, and it is making me happier, more content, so much in a way that I feel aged with all the wisdom J I am no longer angry with anyone, I have no complains, I have no regrets, and I no longer carry the burden that I have been carrying for months. I have learnt to let go. Just like others have. May be this was meant to be how it is. And perhaps, it is the best arrangement for everybody. Just one thing. Wish I was not this empty.

Good times

It is such a relief to be able to talk about yourself to someone who does not judge you for what you have done, or how you feel. Yesterday evening was a delight. The conversation over the bowl of hot and sour soup, tucked inside the blankets, away from the craziness of the city, without the care of anything else, was soothing. It was one of those rare evenings that I look forward to. I love conversations. I love hot and sour soup. I love good company.

Something about love

I could be the worst person to write about love. The clock is ready to strike 2 at night, and there is nothing else I can think about between the tossing and turning, and the struggle to sleep. I don't know if I will be doing any justice writing about this four-lettered word, which has so much to it, so much depth, so much that I can't possibly express. I still want to try because I have been thinking about it a lot lately.

Five of my best friends got married this year, to the best people who fit perfectly in their lives. It is humbling to see them together, to know that they are meant to be the way they are. Some of my girlfriends have changed their surnames post their marriages, some are struggling hard to get up early every day so that they can tend to the needs of their new families before they zoom to their offices, almost all are becoming multi-tasking goddesses, and are trying their best to fit in their new lives. The good news is, they are all happy with the transformations, no matter how difficult it is for them. They make me realize that changing your way of life for someone is not so bad after all, if it is done for love. A friend flew to another country, another continent, just so that she could be closer to that one person who she thinks she can spend the rest of her life with. I have never seen her so excited about life. This is humbling to see, to know that she is turning into the best of herself, because of her man.

My own relationships with X and Y have taught me so much about love. I made mistakes, I grew, I learnt. It always happens that relationships that don't work out leave a bitter taste, a void. They have done the same for me. But regardless of how I feel, or how they have made me feel, I want thank them for teaching me invaluable lessons. I might not really know what love is, but I have ended up knowing what love is not. I have read it innumerable times, but I understand it now. Love is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It does not keep record of wrongs. It is not rude. It is not proud. It does not boast. It always protects. It always trusts. Always hopes, always preserves. It never fails. Or else, it is not love.

Between my friends who are so much in love with their husbands, between those who have found love, between those who are ready to take that plunge, I think that I wouldn't mind having the same for myself. I would like to share that joyful companionship with someone, to share my dreams, my hopes, my breakfast, my room, and my life. But then I also enjoy what I have now. I know that this is never going to come back. I like the thought of just being able to do things on my own, to be able to go to that shop and get what I want without having to depend on someone to chose the best one for me, to be able to meet my girlfriends whenever I want to, to be able to flirt with that cute guy, to prove myself to be a better daugher, a better sister, a better aunt. And look out for the man who is going to make me feel complete, who will embrace me, and stick to me for life.

A colleague shared some words of wisdom today. Life has a strange way of making things work out, she said, just have faith and everything will fall into right places. I am sure they will.

More random thoughts

• Met a friend after ages yesterday (Well, I don't really call her a friend anymore. Let us say an aquaintance). There was a look in her eyes that said how sorry she feels for me. Seriously? Well, I didn't need that look. I didn't need her sympathy. There is nothing to feel sorry about me. 
• I love being a woman. I mean it. But every month, there is this time when I hate the feeling. Today is one of those times. I have been in bed, curled up, waiting for the day to get over. It gets worse because I don't even have the energy to get up and prepare something hot to soothe my troubled body. 
• I love this country. I love this city. Despite the vices. And all I get back is dust, pollution, honking bikes, bad roads, terrible traffic, ruthless people, cursing, bad behavior, coldness, indifference. I have never hated this city more than I hated it yesterday. I wished I could just disappear from here.
• I recently heard someone saying that every person going through break-ups need some time alone to understand oneself, to learn about one's needs and priorities. I realize what this means.
• I wept in front of two strangers, because another a**hole stranger yelled at me for no reason at all. No one has ever talked to me in that tone. I was shocked. The tears welled up not because of the shouting, but because of my helplessness at the situation. I couldn't shout back, that's just not me. I swear I wished I had the guts to strangle that jerk.
• I wish to go on a long vacation, where all I do is sleep, read good books in a hammock, loiter around, without the care of anything.  

First day of the week

They say after night comes day, but why don't they say that after each day comes night. Today was horrible, after beautiful yesterday. Yesterday night I had slept feeling a little less burdened, feeling a little more liberated, feeling a lot better. Not that anything changed in the morning. Just that I spent most of it chasing a mouse that had taken over my kitchen. It still is in the kitchen, under a box (it took an immense amount of courage to throw that box over the monster), and I am just too scared to lift the box. Google says that a mouse can survive without oxygen for two hours. Its been inside the box for the last 11 hours. What if it is dead? What if it is still alive? Both ways, it gives me creeps to just think about it. Z says 'Why would you be scared of a tiny creature like a mouse? It is your palm size.' I know. But boy, it surely is scary, and disgusting, I think more disgusting than scary, or vice versa. Oh, I am not sure.

So, that was not all. My bike broke down. I hate it when that happens to me in the morning right before I go to office. The  neighbors had a good show as I endlessly tried to start the bike, but it would not comply.

At work, people upset me. May be I wanted to get upset with them, or may be they were being jerky. I don't know.

Such a bad start of the week, that too on a festive day. Why O' Why?

So much love

This is going to be a cheesy post, but cheesy is what I am :))

I had forgotten what it feels to feel special. To feel loved. To feel valued.

I choked today, not out of sadness for a change. It was out of happiness. bliss.

For a moment, I just closed my eyes. I wanted to seize the moment. And, I did.

There was so much love on that table. I can't stop smiling as I write this. Too much love can be scary. I agree with D. I too am scared of losing. But I also know that this love will not cease. This is going to last.

Touchwood.

The pile of work stares at me, and I stare back at it, without caring to finish it. I don't much care about the work, neither do I care about the second round of dinner I hog, the second bar of chocolate I finish, the lethargy, the loneliness, the quiet, and the world. For a change, I feel content, regardless of so many imperfections in my life. Applause.

thoughts during loadshedding hours

I cant believe that I am writing after so long and yet all I can think about is desperation....This might not be a very good time for me. .there are mornings when I don't want to wake up because I don't want to go to office, there are days when I feel sad about myself, about the lack of excitement in my life, there are nights when I twist and turn in my bed because I can't sleep at the thought of 'certain things'. Just that such mornings, days and nights have turned out to be quite a common happening. I hate this feeling. I hate the overexpectations I have from my life. I hate it even more because I know that I am already getting a lot more than what most people get.

So, as such feelings of desperation rule over me, I try to think about the good things in my life, (there might not be many). And I can't help but smile. I realize that life is not such a bitch after all. It does give some magical moments. Those moments are defined by some special people, whose presence I absolutely value. I have friends who get me green bangles for Shrawan (not that I am fond of bangles and all that jazz), I have BFFs (we now call each other Sisters by Choice), who can brighten up my day with just a text, or a photo on our secret FB group :D, I have two most beautiful nieces who cling to me everytime I visit them (each time they insist that I stay back at their place. So what I dont have my night clothes. They are always ready to lend me their raincoats), I have a crazy group of people who has defined my life like no one else ever has. Its truly a matter of perspective. I dont know why but I always end up looking at the darker side of life while the brighter side is so much more prominent, so much more meaningful, so much more, so much more.

wicked

Today, i feel ekdummai wicked.
hijo ni tyestai tyestai thiyo.
ramailo lagdai cha yesto hunuma :P

Lover Man

Someday we'll meet
and you'll dry all my tears
and whisper, sweet little things
in my ear
hugging and kissing
Oh, what we've been missing
Lover Man
Oh, where can you be...

--Billie Holiday

together for life

It happens raicha. You don't want to write for days and weeks. For a long time now, I have just been condescending my thoughts into memories rather than writing them, because I know that my writing would do no justice to the moments I was experiencing. I am glad I did not write because what I have in my head is a lot better than what I would have in black and white.

Just a sneak peak on my experience of last evening. I was invited to a wedding party. It was a party to celebrate the wedding of an 80-year old couple. They were celebrating 50 years of their wedded life. The evening was enchanting. But mostly, it was the couple who stole the show. They looked so beautiful together. Touchwood.

Things that have been bothering me

1. Generally, I am very agreeable person. But my agreement comes only if the person trying to get me to agree is logical and convincing. If someone tries to coerce their decision on me, I can't stand it, and I swear, I won't stand it.
2. I find it strange that how can some people can go on and on and on regardless of whether or not the other person is interested in the senseless jabbering. I am with one such person, and it is making me sick.
3. I don't know why it is so difficult for a person to be able to live life in his/her own terms. Why do people keep imposing their ideas of a good life upon me? I know what is best for me. Why can't they just shut up and mind their own business?
4. I made one of the longest and the curviest road travel yesterday. For the first time in life, I threw up (while traveling), after hours of uneasiness. It felt good. I wish I could throw up my emotions too, and feel good about my life.
5.  I was born and raised in one of the hottest cities of the country, and yet now, when I am in another hot city, I feel like I will die of the summer heat, the humidity, and lack of air.
6. I have been wearing kurta for one of the most extended periods of time. I miss my casual self. I miss my real self.

Amo la Vida!

This is absolutely amazing, being able to enjoy my cup of tea amidst beautiful sunset, beautiful people, beautiful everything.

There is a very famous temple right across the place I am staying. The sound of the bells is divine.

The view from the hotel, which I am enjoying as I write this.

The sunset

The beautiful houses and the alleys

.....

Must have walked around the entire city on foot yesterday...thanks to the petrol crisis. I love walking, and did not have the pleasure of exploring the city for such a long time. So I did not really mind it. I was actually enjoying it.

While I was using the last bit of petrol in my bike to reach my aunt's house, a richshaw driver had rode over my left foot. There were three women in the rickshaw plus the rickshaw driver, plus the weight of the rickshaw. It hurt but in the busy alley of Indrachowk, there was hardly anything that I could do. So, I drove away.

I wasn't feeling anything much unless I took off from my aunt's house, on foot. After walking for like an hour, my foot started to hurt. I waited for a public transportation, but they were all so crammed. Seemed like RPP (or is it RPP Nepal? Whatever..) had booked all the vehicles in town. The taxis were all busy too. I was forced to walk home.

And now, even after a night's sleep and some foot therapy, they still hurt. So, I am on a rest today. No bike. No petrol. No energy.

Lost and found

I remember my first mobile. It was a used one and was given to me when I was in the second year of my college. It was like a toy. When I say a toy, I really mean it. I remember my four year old cousin say to me back then, 'Didi, please give me that mobile like thing to play with.' So, you can imagine how unsophisticated I was (I still am the same with technology). I used it for two years, and then gave it to someone. It sure was a sturdy set.

My second mobile was a gift from my bhinaju. I don't remember it clearly, but I think this too was not a brand new one. I used it for quite some time and then one fine morning, while I was enjoying the sun rise from my aunt's balcony, I dropped it. The screen was damaged. So, my sweetest bhinaju gave me another set to use.

The fourth set I got was from my father. It was the best one I had used till that time. I really liked it. But I could not enjoy it for long. One evening, a young chap entered my aunt's house, got inside the room I used, took away my laptop and my mobile, and ran away. By god's grace, I could save my laptop, but lost my mobile to the asshole (sorry for the bad language, but I can't help it).

The next phone was again a gift..from a friend, who wanted to pay me back for a little favor I did (It was not at all needed, but my friend was insistent). I used it for sometime. It was doing pretty alright, but DR got me another phone. We nearly had a fight because he wanted me to get a new phone. Now, have you seen someone get upset when he/she gets a gift ?..I can be that weird sometimes.

Anyway, last year, after it started giving me problems, I had to change it. But guess what, I got yet another gift. This time it was my brother. I have been using the set for more than nine months now. So, as you will see, I never really 'bought' a mobile for myself. Thanks to all the wonderful people around me :)

 I am very very careless when it comes to taking care of my mobile. I have the habit of leaving it anywhere, everywhere. I have nearly lost it many times. Today could have been the last day of my current phone. After office, I went to a cafe with a friend, had a nice meal, dropped off the friend, came back home, and searched for my mobile everywhere. It was nowhere to be found. I called my number from my ghar ko cheu ko pasal ko didi ko phone. It was unreachable. I was sure I had dropped it somewhere, that some lucky chap had found it, and was super happy about it. More than the tragedy of losing the phone, it was the thought of having to go through the process of buying a new set, blocking my sims, filling forms to get new sims (I use two sims in my mobile), and retrieving the contacts, etc. etc. that was bothering me all through the while.

With the faintest hope, I went back to the cafe, and asked the parking guy if he had found a mobile. He said, 'La hajur, malai dui saya rupaiya dinu hos. Tapaile mobile jharera janu bhayecha. Maile tipera rakhideko thiye. ' I wanted to hug that old man and thank him. At a time when I was thinking that honesty has become ancient in today's world, this man gave me hope. I was a happy person.

Sadly, I had only hundred rupees left with me (after the meal at the cafe), or I would have been more than happy to give him dui saya rupaiya for his sincerity. 

The story of my fan

I have fallen in love with my new fan. Its a cute little thing. Its portable, few grams, can be carried anywhere. It is rechargeable. So, it can be used when there is no electricity. And the bonus is that in addition to functioning as a fan, it has a torch light too!!! I love the Chinese :)

See how handy it is :)

There is a bulb at the side, just like emergency lights have!

The orange part can be lifted and it can be used as a lamp when there is no electricity! (Did I tell you that the dots that you see here also give light)

Why, why, why?

Why on earth should cockroaches fly? I have been left traumatized by these ugly looking, absolutely wicked creatures for many nights. For a person like me, who jumps at the sight of a crawling cockroach, a flying cockroach is a nightmare.

And today, while I was enjoying my early night sleep, the flying monster attacked me. I was horrified, petrified, and other whatever -fied. Although I was rather too quick to rush to the other room, I haven't been able to sleep after that.

Its 2:15 AM.

Rain

My first rain of the season :) (I was out of valley the last time it rained).

Absolutely loved it. Missed a meeting. But who cares!

I ramble

I had decided to keep my blog 'politics free', but with the new developments, or let us say no developments, I have this serious urgency to write down my thoughts here.

For the past four years and especially the last couple of months, all that people talked about was the constitution. There were speculations on whether it will be made or it will not be made. Everybody had an opinion. Everybody shared their opinions. Honestly, I did not have much of an opinion. Whatever little I had, I refrained from sharing, because I knew that my opinion is not going to matter, that it is not going to bring the constitution.

So, now, some of you might call me a pessimist. But, let me just recap a few episodes of what my optimist Nepali daju bhais, didi bahinis, sathi sanginis have been doing in their bid to put pressure for the timely drafting of the constitution and put forth their demands.

Many hit the streets. Nepal saw a record breaking number of strikes this year and a lot of them ever since the formation of the CA. Our country looked like a jigsaw puzzle in my mind. Everybody wanted a share of it, without having to share their part with others. Some parts of the country, like the Far West has not yet come out of the closure plague. People are finding it difficult to meet their daily needs of food and medicine. Terai areas have been miserable. Kathmandu was not spared either. Everybody had their own sets of demands, everybody had their own agenda. Where did all these bandas take us? We are left without a constitution.

People wrote. Hundreds and thousands of articles have been written on the constitution, on CA, on federalism, on people's rights, on what nots of the constitution. The intellectual circle, the common people, the youth, the students, the political activists, the journalists, and many more people wrote on issues important to the constitution. Especially since the beginning of this year, the papers had nothing but the talks of the constitution. How much did this intellectuality lead us to? We are left without a constitution.

Social networking sites, including Facebook and Twitter were full of expressions. Everyone expressed their frustrations, their disappointments, their hatred, their disapproval, and many more feelings through their status updates, photos, cartoons, and other forms of art. (Here, I too was a part of some halla khalla on a website, but it was more to raise awareness among the youth, than anything else). Moreover, last month, a movement was launched on Facebook where everybody started putting 'Nepali' to their names in a bid to show that they are Nepali first before being a Brahmin, a Chhetri, a Newar, a Janajati, a Madhesi, a Muslim, a Christian, a this, a that. I am sorry, but I did not participate in it, because I didn't buy in the so called 'virtual movement.' If you think you are a Nepali first, why do you even have to write your surname. Why can't you be just Mr X Nepali, rather than being a Mr X Shrestha Nepali, or Mr X Pradhan Nepali? It didn't make sense to me. Anyway, the point is, what happened out of these online movements? We are left without a constitution.

People participated in Sadbhaav (Solidarity) Rallies. People en masse showed their presence in different places with their best of white clothes, and a candle to pray for peace and prosperity, and of course a constitution. What came out of it? We are still left without a constitution.

So, now, what happens now that the CA has been dissolved and we are left without a constitution for which we waited for four years, for which we spent billions from our nation's reserves? Just think about it. What happened today? The first day after yesterday. I woke up in the morning with a heavy heart. Many people must have. But what really happened today? Life was as normal as any other day.

The milk van came early in the morning in its usual time to deliver milk packs. Nepalese woke up to read their daily dose of news in the national dailies. Families had their breakfast together, some even had their lunch together since it was an off-day (It was Republic Day today-my foot!). Friends met at cafeterias to have aaloos and momos, lovers went out for a spin, vegetable sellers did a good business, movie theaters were overly crowded, shopping malls were no less, neta haru clicked pictures grinning, the paan shop played the same boring music, the men who come every morning to play badminton in the ground behind my house arrived on time and made the same kind of noise they make everyday, the same people who were busy carrying out the 'virtual movement' were busy posting their new pictures on the same forums. Nothing stopped. Nothing changed.

Having a constitution in the country was not going to be a magic wand. We already have an Interim Constitution in place, that we have been following for five years. We will continue following it. But the point is that the Prime Minister has been giving a signal for another CA election. Do we want it? Are we going to vote in it? Do we Nepalese want to repeat the same mistake again? If we do, we are fools. I am not going to vote if the CA elections happen this November.  I will rather not exercise my right than to feel guilty about it later. I am not, I am not. I am not. This is my personal movement, lu jaa! Je parla, parla.

I could not sleep the entire night because it was just too hot

And then as the morning sun gets ready to shine

I am engulfed by sadness

Making my heart feel cold

So cold that I had to pull the quilt over my cold heart.

O Ri Chiraiya

The theme song O Ri Chiraiya from the first episode of Satyamev Jayate has moved me. I have been listening to this song for the whole of day. I have not got tired of it. I am not going to get tired of it. It is an amazing song. It makes me think of my two beautiful nieces, who I am missing. Had spent the weekend with them, but whatever time I spend with them is never enough. It makes me think of myself and my two sisters, growing up together, fighting, embracing, learning from each other. It makes me think of my grandmother who cried after I was born as the third granddaughter. It makes me think of my sisters' wedding, when my parents had wept for having to send off their daughters to their husbands' homes.

I was born at a time when the need of a son was a lot more stronger than it is today. So, I don't blame my grandmother for not being excited about my birth. I don't blame my parents for planning another baby just a couple of months after I was born with the hope of having a son. Thankfully, my brother was born, sparing my mother to have to go through the process all over again for the fifth time. I don't know what would have happened of me if Science had progressed enough to determine the sex of a baby in the mother's womb. I don't know what would my parents' decision be. I don't know if I would be blessed to be a part of this world.

I am glad that I am here, experiencing life.

I cannot think otherwise. 

Feelings

I feel a sense of failure these days for some reason. I am not sure where does it come from. It may be because of the sense of hopelessness that my country is giving me, and the lack of purpose, lack of vision, lack of compassion, lack of sensibility that the people are exhibiting day in and day out. It does not feel right. Everybody is angry at everybody. This anger, this hatred, this lack of empathy is doing no good to me, or anybody for that matter. I don't even know why am I writing this when I know that my voice does not count.

Last night I could not sleep. I feel burdened. I feel like crying. I feel like yelling. I feel like slapping the politicians hard. I feel like punching the 'bandh kartas'. I feel like leaving. I feel like giving up hope. I feel like not feeling anything anymore.

Honesty

Pretentions
Make-ups
Plastic smiles
Empty promises
Makes me sick.

Honesty is ancient, really!

My company

This is what has been giving me company as I get stranded as a result of unending strikes in a nation which has become so fragmented that I no more feel we are a part of one single country.

My love affair

Every time I come back to Kathmandu, I feel great. Despite the dirt, the dust, the terribly managed traffic, the honking cars, the undisciplined  microvan drivers, the zooming motorcyclists, and so many other vices that engulfs our city, I fall in love with it all over again with every return. May be I feel this way coz it is home after all. Despite the leaking tap, and the cockroaches, home is home.

If this city was huggable (if there is a term like that), I would certainly hug it and let it know that I missed it, although I really dont have anyone here who misses me, or who waits for my arrival home, or who cooks a meal to welcome me, or who hugs me to let me know that I was missed.

Although I end up eating Maggie for dinner on my first night back home, I can't feel any less happy to be back, because Maggie would not taste the same in any place other than this (other than my first home, that is) ! :)

Ten things

Its been two days I left Kathmandu. Two nights, two districts, two rooms. This has been my story so far. Haven't been able to do much since there was a bandh on the first day I arrived (I reached this fancy hotel in a rickshaw), and yesterday was spent meeting a few people, having random conversations. It is funny how all of us so much dislike politics, but at a certain level, it is politics that brings us together, on which we can converse for hours.

Anyway, traveling to places always brings a sense of high. Other than a few things, everything about moving about makes me feel great.

1. I love to meet people from all sorts of background, having all sorts of ideas, who can talk non-stop.
2. The morning tea in my room, which is served without even asking for it.
3. I can just do my official work, and not worry about cooking, cleaning, doing the dishes. Everything is taken care of.
4. The television: I am not much of a TV person, but this occasional break is good.
5. The non-Kathmandu air. It is just different. 
6. The local rusticity
7. The genuine smiles from people
8. The free wi-fi that I get to use in random of places, like this one!
9. The morning birds chirping by my window pane.
10. And I get to enjoy all this absolutely free. Thanks to my office(s) :)

There are (very) few things that I am not very comfortable with during my travels.

1. The bucket and mug in the bathroom
2. The bed sheets and pillows
3. Blankets
4. Towels
5. Lizards and cockroaches
6. Very few times, the food
7. The piles of clothes that I need to wash once I get back home
8.  The loneliness
9. The tan
10. Well, cant think of the 10th thing!

But the goods certainly overshadow the bads, and I would never leave any chance to get out of Kathmandu just because there are dirty sheets, or smelly towels in the hotel room. This is also a part of the experience, after all! 

One day is just not enough to celebrate you!

It is Mother's day today. I came across this beautiful video (don't want to call it a commercial) few days back. The video honors everything that all moms do to help their children succeed by showcasing the amazing moms behind Olympic athletes at the London 2012 Olympic Games. As I see my mother and everyone else's mothers, I am convinced that the hardest job in the world must indeed be the best job in the world!


Salute to all the moms out there!

Hopeless

They still make me smile

The twinkle in your eyes

The bounce of your curls :)

Thesis talk

It's been nearly two years that I have been trying to complete my Postgraduate thesis. I am embarrassed. People who were three years juniors to me post their photos on facebook, all decked up in their graduation gowns and throwing their 'topis.' While I have no desire to wear the gown or to throw my 'topi' in the air, I want to officially graduate and my thesis is the only deterrent. I have completed five research assignments ever since the story of my thesis started, but somehow, I have not been able to put my heart into the project that is so important to meet my academic goals.

My supervisor e-mails me every week to ask me about the progress, my friends push me to work on it, my juniors embarrass me with their degrees. Every month I set a deadline for myself, but I fail to put up with it. So, today, I have set another deadline and I am making this announcement here because I hope that this announcement is going to push me harder. I pledge that I am going to complete my thesis before May 28, the deadline for our much awaited constitution. If I don't do it, I will consider myself to be the same as our 601s.

I hope this is going to be a motivation enough for me.

Nostalgia

Today I am you from head to toe..

umm..

a little above the toe

Makes me nostalgic.

Pretty Boy

For my pretty boy :)

And yes, I finally found a way to upload videos on my blog!!!

Patched Roads

We are poor, and our roads prove it. Like a poor mother who stitches her children's torn clothes with colorful patches, our roads are stitches every now and then with the black and grey tar. We can't afford new roads. We need to keep stitching the old ones.

New Year's Eve

On this New Year's Eve, I am going to watch a movie. The movie is called 'New Year's Eve'. It was not a deliberate choice. While trying to find a good one among the hundreds that are kept in stacks, I picked this one without even realizing that it so well synchronizes with today. So, this is how I am going to spend the eve. I think I am going to enjoy it :)

Wish all you peeps a very happy new year 2069!

Untitled post

It must make you happy
To see me like this
Dying
bit
by
bit.

I wish I could just end this story
Once
and
for
all
And take away that wicked smile from your face .

I know its being mean
but
mean is
what
you
are.

I just wish to give you back
what
you
are
giving
to
me.

Earthquake

I didn't feel it. I was just out of the parking lot, waiting for the lift. Men and women (I didnt recognize most of them) were running out of the six-storey building. It all looked so crazy. And then I saw one girl I recognized from office. She stopped me from getting into the lift. She asked me to run with her. I was perplexed but I complied. Only after reaching out of the building did I learn that people felt a quake here. As I google it now, the tremors were a result of 8.9 magnitude earthquake in Indonesia.

After 15 minutes of chaos, everyone came inside the office, and everyone settled down as if nothing happened. Everybody is scared, but nothing can be done. Mothers want to go back home and check on their kids, children want to be with their parents, wives with husbands, husbands with wives, boyfriends with girlfriends and girlfriends with boyfriends. But they can't. Because it is just 3:15 PM. They have to be at the office till 5:00 PM. It doesn't really matter if their heart is no more in their work. It doesn't matter that they will spend rest of the one hour and 45 minutes hopping from one website to another to find news of what is happening. It doesn't matter that they will use the remaining time to call all their loved ones to know if they are doing fine.

But, what matters is that they are all employees and they have to be here till 5:00 PM to fill their eight-hour duty at work. So, now, I will get back to  my work and be a good employee and shut up. Thank you.

Robbery

NRs 460 for two cups of Latte? 

Are you serious?

This is absolute robbery in broad daylight

And we say petrol is expensive!

Bandh ko din

Aja 'Nepal Bandh' (this word is absurd. How can a country be closed? funny). But I reached my office on my scooter before nine. Janne bhako.  Jahile yestai ho ma. Scooter is insured (thanks to papaji). Laptop is insured (thanks to office). I am not worth an insurance. Je parla parla bhanera hideko. Dhanna safely pugiyecha!

In search of beauty and joy!

Seven Years in Tibet

I just finished watching 'Seven Years in Tibet'. Its a beautiful movie. It is not just a movie, but a journey. The journey of a man who finds enlightenment, friendship, love, and himself during his experiences in Tibet. The best moments in the movie are the private conversations between Heinrich Harrer (played by Brad Pitt), and the Dalai Lama (played by Jamyang Wangchuk), where they both share what they know best, Heinrich his knowledge of the world, and Dalai Lama his wisdom. During the end of the movie, Harrer, who is portrayed as an arrogant Austrian in the beginning of the movie, confronts his weaknesses in front of the Dalai Lama, and breaks down, and tells him that he misses his son, who he never got a chance to meet, because he left his pregnant wife in Austria to climb the Nanga Parbat.

I am presenting here the snippets of the conversation:

Dalai Lama (DL): We have a saying in Tibet. If a problem can be solved, there is no use worrying about it. If it can't be solved, worrying will do no good. So, stop worrying Heinrich.

Heinrich Harrer (HR): You have to leave. You have to leave Tibet. Your life is at great risk. Forgive my presumptions but I have made arrangements to get you out safely. We should leave right after the enthronement. The Chinese would never expect it.

DL: How can I help people if I run away from them? What kind of leader would I be? I have to stay here Heinrich. Serving others is my path of liberation.

HH: Then I don't go either.

DL: Why?

BP: Because you are my path to liberation.

DL: The Buddha said, 'Salvation does not come from the sight of me. It demands strenuous effort and practice. So, work hard and seek your own salvation diligently.' I am not your son and I never thought of you as my father. You were much to informal with me for that.

Do you think about him?

HH: *Cries and nods*

DL: And what do you think about?

HH: Its not a conscious thought, really. Its just always there. When I crossed Tibet, he was with me. When I came to Lhasa, he was with me. When I sit beside you, he's there with me. I can't even imagine how I pictured the world without him in it.

DL: Then you should go home and be his father.

HH: I know.

DL: You have finished your job with me.

After this conversation with Dalai Lama, Heinrich leaves for Austria, meets his son, and they are reunited after seven years. I feel just too overwhelmed with all the emotions. I will do no justice to the movie with my crappy review. So, you will really have to watch the movie to feel all the emotions, and be a part of the the transformation of a man, his journey from being a Olympian gold medalist to a friend to a father. Now I know why DR loved the movie so much. He was very possessive about the DVD, which remains with me, like a lot of many other things. I am sure he misses it.

Being vile

These days, I have been talking a little too less. I mean I have been talking, but only with my colleagues, about the most boring things, about work, about random things, things that hardly make any sense, most of the times.

I have been craving for some real kind of talking. When I can talk my heart out to someone who knows me, understands me, doesn't judge me for thinking, feeling, and talking the way I would. So, during my leisurely one hour break at work, I called A. We were talking about stuffs, about her new life, about work, about M who is getting married this April, about L who cooks for her husband's family while her husband is busy partying with his friends, and about so many other things. And suddenly, I burst out. While talking to her, I realized how much was buried inside me for such a long time. I realized that the last time I talked to A was weeks back. I also realized that although she knows how vulnerable I am now, she had not bothered to call me for weeks.

So, after sweet nothings, I yelled at her. In fact, I wanted to yell at so many people. I know they don't deserve this. I mean I should know how to deal with my problems. But I just want them to be there to listen to me, be there and bear my rants. I have done this for them, for nth time, always, always. So, of course I expect them to be there when I need them.

There has been so much silence around me that I want some noise. I want loud noise. I want people screaming. I want the screams to be so loud that they would buzz in my ears, that there would no any room for other thoughts. I would like to dance to the wildest of music. I would like to travel anywhere, everywhere.

May be this longing for some talking, some noise, some music, some dance, some traveling must have cause this vileness in me. I don't know if I am sorry for yelling at her. I know I don't need to be. I know she understands.

Stalkers

I stalk you on my phone
You stalk me on your computer
Technology le garnu garyo!

Reality

Heart

of

gold

is

a

myth,

after

all!

The Crush

I hadn't realized this. The new interface does not show the video icon. Would have loved to upload the first video on my blog :( Anyway, thanks to Youtube for making up to the shortcomings of blogger!

At 2:43 at night (morning???), I am killing time. I watched this short film called THE CRUSH. The lil boy is just too cute. I am sure you will love this!

Watch the film here!

Period.

I have been such a complaining old lady for such a long time that I feel exhausted. I am tired of feeling this way. Have you ever felt your body ache so much that at some point the pain ceases to exist, to make you feel any worse? I have reached exactly that point where I have stopped feeling terrible, really. What is the point of carrying the burden on your shoulders when you know that the burden is doing no good to you?

There might be millions of issues in my life, but who doesn't? So,

With March
coming to an end
I am putting my Miseries
to an end as well.

The day's shopping

Potatoes-1/2 kg
Onions-1/2 kg
Carrot-1/2 kg
Cauliflower-1 kg
Carrot-0.25 kg
Tomatoes-0.25 kg
Green peas-0.25 kg
Coriander-worth rupees 5
Oranges-1/2 kg (remember today is Thursday!)

This is my shopping for the day. The last time I shopped for vegetables was like three weeks back. I had got lesser vegetables than I got today, and they lasted for more than two weeks. So, I think I will not need to go vegetable shopping for another three weeks this time. I have been too lazy to cook and have been feeding myself with soups and noodles and pasta for dinner. The last time I cooked a proper meal for myself was last to last Saturday.

On the bright side of things (which is not at all bright), gas cylinder is scarce, vegetables expensive, and water a luxury. Cooking less is not that bad an option after all!

Hamro traffic prahari

Traffic Police: Baini, kaagaj patra boknu bhako cha?
Me: Cha dai, dekham?
Traffic Police: Thikai cha. Pardaina. Tapaile drink ta garnu bhako chaina?
Me: Kaha drink garnu dai. Jhan kaam bata farkidai chu.
Traffic Police: Eh, ani kaile garnu hunna ho?
Me: Gardina dai.
Traffic Police: Ekdum ramro kura. Garnu hundaina pani.

This conversation with the traffic police made me laugh after a whole day of serious meetings. I am a big fan of our traffic police. Kathmandu has one of the worst traffic in the world. There are a lot of reasons behind this. The main reason is lack of discipline among the Nepalese. I feel that our traffic police are tirelessly working to feed we Nepalese with some kind of discipline. I strongly believe that they are one of the most hardworking group in the whole of government system. I dedicate this post to all of them who are relentlessly trying to make commuting a little less pain in the neck.

Love in the Time of Cholera

In my last post, I had committed to write about this book by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. 'Love in the Time of Cholera.' I had wanted to read this book for a long time. I got the book last year during the annual book fest at Bhrikuti Mandap. I was there with DR and got a total of four books, including this one. DR had told me 'You really don't mind spending all your money on books, do you?'

Anyway, it took me quite some time to finish reading this book. It is a thick book, and the font size is too small, spacing too less. Moreover, it is not a light read. I had read half of the book last year during my travels. I got so busy in so many things that I had to take a break from reading. When i got back to the book nearly half year later, I still remembered everything I had read and consumed. It is not an ordinary book, for sure. I kept thinking about the story, about Fermina Daza, about Florentino Ariza. I loved the book for a lot of reasons. First, undoubtedly is the writing. Mr Marquez writes like a dream. He creates magic with his words and description.

About the story, I like the story. It is about love between two people, Fermina Daza and Florentino Ariza, who fail to unite during their youth because Fermina's father wouldn't approve of their union for the reasons of class. She is married off to another man, Juvenal Urbino, a doctor, who in many ways serves as a counterpoint to Florentino’s overblown romanticism. To the outside world, their marriage seems perfect, but there are lots of imperfections that only the couple knew, and that we readers can identify. The book catalogs all the meaningless details of everyday life shared by two people bound together (all the unpleasant smells, degrading tasks, and dulling routines; all the unspoken bitterness and rancor; all the sullenness and gloom).

Florentino's love for Fermina doesn't frizzle away and he waits for her, like a mad lover all his life (almost half a century to be precise), waiting for her husband to die. And her husband dies, in the most comical way, to say the least. I know its mean to say this, but tha'ts what happens in the story. I hardly feel any kind of pain when he dies.

After Urbino's death, Florentino ends his self-imposed emotional exile of fifty-one years, nine months, and four days and declares his "everlasting love” to Fermina–while she’s attending to her husband’s funeral. She is outraged, forbids him to return, but he persists. His philosophical letters to Fermina makes her realize his wisdom and maturity, and their unrequited love is allowed to blossom in their old age.

Like you can see, the story is not extraordinary, really. There are snippets, moments, expressions, emotions, and and twists in the story that makes it special. I loved reading the book. I too wanted them to unite, although I am not sure whether I like Florentino or not.

While the readers might get an impression that Florentino's love for Fermina is chaste and meditative, I don't know how to judge him. During his wait for Fermina, Florentino makes love with many women. Although he never really loved any of them, at some point, I feel remorse towards him, especially during the end when he starts having sex with a fourteen year old girl América Vicuña, who is sent to live with Florentino. He is supposed to be her guardian while she is in school, but of course, he doesn't really fulfill his duties faithfully. The little girl, after her rejection by Florentino, commits suicide. For me, this point illustrates Florentino's selfish nature, and I kind of detest him.

Fermina Daza is also a very confusing character herself. She is easily made to believe by her father that Florentino is not her equal and that their love is nothing more than folly. She agrees to marry another man without any sadness. She forgets about Florentino the day she is married to Dr Urbino. She encounters Florentino every now and then, but feels nothing for him. But after her husband dies, she realizes how alone she is left and gets back to Florentino, erasing 50 years from her mind, as if nothing had happened. I find it humorous in a lot of ways.

Despite these feelings for the two central characters, I enjoyed reading the book. I am not sure if I will call the book as sentimental, or a story about the enduring power of true love. But, like they say, the matters of the heart are the most difficult to define and comprehend. That is what I am left with as I read through the last page of the book.

I just finished reading 'Love in the Time of Cholera'. I will soon be posting my thoughts about the book. For now, all I can say is, it is one book that has left a deep impression on me.

It was a crazy Saturday, absolutely exhausted. I can hardly open my eyes.

Skype Moment

I opened my Skype account some three years ago. It was for an online course and we had monthly skype sessions with all participants and fortnightly sessions with my mentor. After the course was over, I have hardly signed in into my skype account, and I tend to forget that I have one. I have to keep requesting a new password, because I always forget the old one. Moreover, I like skype only for non-video conversations. Somehow, I am not very comfortable with the video thing. I can't video-chat, not even with the closest of people. Its a funny feeling.

My sister had been pestering me to be on skype for some days now. So, today we finally skype-talked. She was absolutely excited, and was ready on the video call. I denied her video call but we talked. I could see her smiling face. She was angry that she couldn't see me, but I convinced her that there was something wrong with my webcam. I always make that excuse whenever I am asked to video chat.

It felt good talking to my sister like that. I had heard other people's experiences of talking on Skype. I had underestimated the emotional high. It was super exciting to be able to see my cute lil nephew. He had no idea why his mommy was swinging him up and down in front of a blank computer screen. He was looking uber handsome. And he gave me a flying kiss. I couldn't stop smiling. It was beautiful--my skype moment.

The Irongate Entrants

I normally sleep late these days, and as a result, it takes a lot of effort for me to wake up on time every morning. Today, while I was struggling to get up, I heard giggles and laughter coming from the street. With dreamy eyes, I looked out of the window and saw a group of young kids, dressed in their school uniforms, with the bright red tika on their forehead, with their school bags and hardboards, passing by from my place. I knew right away that those bunch of kids were heading to their examination centres for the first day of their School Leaving Certificate (SLC) exams. Oh! how happy they looked.

All their childhood, they have probably been fed with the fact, just like all of us were, that SLC is THE IRONGATE, passing which is going to ensure that they have a good life. They must have worked insanely hard to make sure that they get good marks, they must have had a lot of joint study sessions with their friends, they must have enrolled themselves in 'n' number of tuition centres, they must have had a lot of sleepless nights, and they must have let go off a lot of fun time, just for these nine days. I can so much relate to them.

They must now be thinking that the end of these nine days is going to be an end of their miserable life and that life will be a lot easier thereafter. But I don't know how many of them know that this is just the beginning. Life is going to be a lot more difficult, a lot more complicated, and a lot more harsh. I was never told pre-SLC that I would have to fulfill so many expectations, I was not told that I will have to work a lot harder to prove myself. Now when I think of everything, giving SLC exams was nothing, really. All I had to do was study hard. Everything else was taken care of. My mom would cook and clean for me, papa would fulfill my needs, my sisters would make sure I was comfortable. It is not the same anymore (I am not complaining, its just that way for everyone).

I am completely against creating this dreamy world for these little kids who are allured, and misguided. We need to be a lot more practical in our guidance and mentorship. We need to prepare them for what is waiting ahead for them. They should know what real world actually looks and feels like. Next time, when my cousin, my friend's sister, or my nieces and nephews are preparing for SLC, I will make sure that they know that this phase of their life is not the end all, and that it is just the beginning of life. I will wish them luck for what lies ahead of them.

Regret

It is the last word I would use to describe what we had. Strange. You chose it as the first.

Too muddled up to think of a title

Can a person be happy and sad at the same time? I find emotions very complex to comprehend. I feel happy for one reason, but absolutely sad for the other. Its a weird feeling. I can't deal with it alone. So, I have been bugging few of my friends just to ease myself, to put it off from my heart. I know its not fair. I don't even know if they like to be bugged by my troubles but I don't know what else to do. I don't know why am I writing this here? Makes no sense, but still I am doing it. Heights of pagalpan I know.

New job

This is the fifth day at my new office. After waiting for more than a month and then going through three rounds of assessment, it feels good to be sitting here and writing this. Technically, its been five months that I haven't had an office space to work. Moreover, I have never had a 'real job' ever since I graduated. I have always liked the freedom that I have enjoyed with all my jobs. While I had to fulfill certain formalities in all of my previous offices, it was not like now. So, this is a nice new experience for me.

Here, I feel like a real 'employee'. I have to sign the employee register every morning and evening, I have a separate desk (though it is not like a real desk), and I just got my share of office supplies including a notebook, a diary, a pen, a punching machine, a stapler, and a box of pins. Today, I signed the contract, filled like hundred forms, including the one providing details for an official visiting card for myself, and completed the formalities for opening an 'Employee Bank Account' without having to go to a bank. :)

My team leader has not been very demanding. He has given me a week to settle down in the new office. So, I am just taking my time this week to know the new place, people, processes, and so many other stuffs. But I know that next week onwards, I will no more be a 'new' employee. I will have no excuse for my mistakes, I will just another one in this huge office of 250 people. I am preparing myself for the worst.

Wish me luck!

The cost of astrology

So, it had started few months back. I was low on life, low on luck, low on everything.I am a firm believer of destiny. But somehow, during that time, I packed that belief in the closet of my mind. I didn't like what was happening to my life. So, I asked my mom to seek some astrological advice from an expert. When life takes a negative turn, rationality and open mindedness ceases to exist. I wanted to be told that yes, my stars were not in the right positions, and that it was not my fault that nothing in my life was going right. And the 'astrologer' did just that. He told me that malai brihaspati ko dasha lageko cha (I had something wrong with my brihaspati). He asked me to do the following things:

1. Kera ko bot ko puja every Thursday. (Pahelo luga lagayera)

2. Thursday ko barta (by barta I mean a real kind of fasting. I eat only yellowish fruits--count oranges only)

3. Wear a gold ring with yellow sapphire on it

So, the first two options were not too difficult for me. I have done them in the past. The difficult part was finding kera ko bot in Kathmandu, and yes, I dont have any yellow color ko luga. But, somehow, I solved both the problems. Fasting is not a big deal for me. I used to fast a lot just a couple of years back. I used to fast every Tuesdays, then after I was told that girls don't fast on Tuesdays, I started fasting every Monday. I used to fast during the nine days of Durga Puja (Navaratri), I fasted for 21 Fridays and used to eat only at night after taking a bath (regardless of the cold) and doing puja. I still fast during Shivaratris, on Mondays during Shrawan, and few other days. Don't judge me, please. Many people laugh at me for fasting, making me feel embarrassed. But I think fasting once a week is very healthy. Anyway, I have already fasted for 5 Thursdays, and it has not been very difficult.

So, the most difficult part was the third option. I have never shopped for gold on my own. I don't know which shops sell original yellow sapphire and which sell the fake ones while claiming them to be real. I was in a state of fix for the last one month. I visited a lot of shops in the meantime, but I couldn't decide who to trust. So, I turned up to my aunt and today, I visited a shop in New Road to order for my ring. The shopkeeper gave us a lot of options so as to help us decide. I decided on a medium size sapphire some 7.5 carat (which he claimed to be the perfect choice), on 22 carat gold to be weighed 4 gram approx. He diligently made his calculations. When he turned the calculator towards me, I wished I hadn't come to the shop, I wished I hadn't complained about my bad luck, I wished my mom had not consulted the astrologer, I wished the astrologer had not recommended the third option to me, and I wished so many other wishes.

But it was too late. I had no choice. So, I agreed to pay to the shopkeeper what he had quoted (BTW, it was a discounted price, thanks to my aunt). I am supposed to pick the ring on Tuesday and wear it for the first time on Thursday. I hope that the golden ring with the yellow sapphire brings me enough luck so that I can at least get back the value of the money I have splurged on it!

Saturday Morning

Something must be seriously wrong with me. It is a Saturday morning, which I was waiting for a few days now. I wanted to sleep to my heart's content. The week was eventful and overwhelming. I was sleep deprived for few days, and was thinking may be I could use this Saturday to sleep all I wanted to. But I got up at 4:00 this morning.

Its been four hours and I have been on my computer, doing senseless things like googling my friends name to see if there is something new I can find about them (crazy i know), downloading this movie called 'Pyaar ka panch naama' from You Tube, (after all the hype that the movie created, it is a shame that I have still not watched it), made a cup of tea for myself and enjoyed it while listening to all to all the Sufi songs that I have, read few pages of Love in the Time of Cholera (it is a BEAUTIFUL book..highly recommended), stalked some blogs, watched the KONY2012 video (esp because of the controversy it is creating), practiced for my test, and after staring at the screen for about 10 minutes not knowing what to blog about, I am nearly done with it.

And now, when its time to clean and cook, I am drowsy. :(

Yettikai rambling

Sometimes I think the best years of my life are over. Kasto pessimistic hai? I am normally not like this. tara budhi huna thale jasto cha ma. I feel scared. Just to think about withering years. I am the youngest of three sisters and I have always enjoyed being one. tara youngest nai bhaye pani, I am growing old. My sisters were both married at my age. My eldest sister gave birth to two daughters by this time. Ma chahi ajhai aafulai bacchha nai thanchu. Khaas thanchu chahi hoina, but I wish I could go back to my early 20s and give my age as an excuse for my naivete, for my mistakes, for my 'sab thikai cha ni' attitude..Aha! so now you know that I have crossed my early 20s..s**t...i don't like the sound of it.

Ali umer dhalkina thale pachi (o myaaannn, i do sound budhi here), your priorities change..your likes and dislikes change, your sense of style changes, your perspective towards world changes. You start attending so many wedding parties that it stops making sense, or alluring you. All my friends, classmates, colleagues, acquaintances, juniors, seniors, friends of friends and the whole world seems to be getting married. Fb kholna ni alchi lagna thali sakyo..kati bihe ko matra photos. Sabai behuli haru ramri dekhincha bihe ma...tara we still tell the behuli(s) that 'You made the best bride ever.' Weddings, while a sacred union of two people, has turned so much into this massive business that I feel...umm...i dont know what..may be disgusted..or may be a little less than disgusted. I cant seem to get the right word.

Tyestai, aajkal party haru ramailo lagna chodisakyo..i mean if i am given two options of either going out with friends or spending some time at home with those friends, I will undoubtedly choose the second option. Halla khalla dherai man pardaina. Some quiet time is all I need with my friends. Ramailo ta yettikai huncha tyespachi!

Ek dui barsha agadi jun group ma moj garinthyo, tyo group ta kasto distant lagna thalisakyo. I can no more relate to them. It is so strange but saanchi, tyestai huncha aajkal. I keep thinking about what caused this distance tara I don't have a definite answer. Uniharuka ra mera bichaar farak chan hola.

Aru ta tyestai ho, with passing age, you also realize the value of relationships, love, sacrifice. Pahila pahila, aafno baarema dherai sochinthyo, ahile tyesto hundaina. Maybe yasailai nai manche le 'you are growing wiser, and not older' bhanne gareka chan!

The Art of Forgiving

Few days back, one of my best friends posted a beautiful status on her Facebook wall. It read : " I feel thankful to my Aama everyday.....she has taught me The Art of Giving; and I realise it today...how big a thing it is...and how difficult it is for people to learn it..appreciating, loving, laughing...living. Not everybody can do that!"

Isn't it a beautiful expression? I kept thinking about it, and realized that there are two things that are most difficult for people to practice. One is giving, that my friend already pointed out. The other is forgiving.

Like my friend, it is my mother who taught me the art of both giving and forgiving. Mahatma Gandhi rightly said that "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong." I realize how strong my mother has been. I wont say that I have been very good at it, but I have tried. I have let go off the hurt. I have come out of my anger. I have risen above trivialities.

Obviously, I have made a lot of mistakes. I have probably hurt many. I thank everyone who had a strong heart to forgive me for my mistakes, my words, my decisions.

My to-do's

With so much free time at my disposal, I dont know what to do of it. After spending more than 20 months with absolutely no free time for myself, I have got so used to be being busy and doing things from my 'To-do-list' that I now dont know how to make the best use of the time when I dont really have a list.

I am not a creative. I cant paint, I cant write poetry. I used to make a lot of fancy stuffs when I was a school student, but as I have grown older, I dont know where did that interest vanish. Watching television is not my favorite passtime (even more so when we dont have one at our place). Facebooking has got on my nerves. I sleep more than eight hours at night so no day time napping. With all the alternatives exhausted, I am left with very few options.

Now, I am not the kind of person who can enjoy free-time. I am not trained to be that way. I start getting paranoid. I start whining. I get restless. I feel useless. So, just to make me feel good about myself, I have prepared a fictitious list of things that i need to take care of. They are nothing important but I have just made a list out of them just to feel useful.

My list includes: Complete reading Lolita, register for this test, go to a wedding party on Friday and Sunday, make plans to entertain K who is arriving on Saturday. The list is stupid, I know, but this is the best I can do at the moment.

For you...A

A and I kind of grew up together, or thats how I see it at least. We were not friends since our 'diaper' days. It was late in life that our paths crossed. We were studying in different schools till our primary and ended up in the same school for our secondary education. I say we grew up together because for me growing up together means more than just playing hide and seek during childhood. It means growing up from being just school girls to mature women.

A was always searching for a 'best friend', someone she could share all her heart had. In school, our close circle of friends included seven of us. Each one of us had our own 'best friend' in the group, except for A. This was something too sad for her. I now find this word quite inappropriate. We have so many best friends in our lives that it is unfair to just call one person our best friend. But way back then, we did not look it that way.

My fondest memory with A is going to tuitions together. We both had bicycles but we loved walking together. So, most of the times, I would bring my bicycle, park it at her place and walk to the tuition centre. We would come back walking to her house, I would take my bicycle and ride it back home. Those were precious moments for us. We had so much to tell to each other, so much to share.

Soon after we passed our SLC, A came to Kathmandu for her High School and then she left for USA for her Undergraduate education. She was away for 6 years, and I wouldnt say that we were best at keeping in touch. We had our occasional updates, but nothing like good friends have. But friendship is a beautiful thing. Even after all these years, our bonding has remained the same. She came back to Nepal in 2010 and we still have so much to tell to each other, so much to share.

We have shared with each other the highs and lows of our lives. We have seen our relationships blossom, we have seen them crumble. We have laughed together, and we have cried together. We have loved each other and we have fought.

Just in few hours, she will be with her man. A was always a dreamer. She had a certain set of criteria for her good man. It would concern us sometimes. I mean it was hard to imagine a person with all the qualities that she wanted in her life partner. But here she is, ready to vow herself to this person. He must be special, for A has chosen to spend her life with him.

As she steps into her new life, I wish my friend, my best friend, all the happiness that she deserves. Mucho love.

My travels and my mom's rituals

Last year has been a lot of traveling to and forth the two cities I call my homes. It has been overwhelming. It is very funny but everytime I switch places, I tend to forget the former place I was in. I mean when I am in Birgunj, I barely think about my life in Kathmandu. It is like it doesn't exist. I start having trouble relating myself to it. It must also be because everytime I am in Birgunj, I am just too busy in the mundane affairs of the house to even think about anything. Kathmandu ceases to exist for me. I forget that I have lived here for more than eight years. During the times that I am working, I forget that I have a job. Sometimes, I even forget that I have friends in Kathmandu. I know its weird. Oh, thats what I can be at times.

This post however, is not about this. It is about the little things that I enjoy during my travels, especially from Birgunj. My mom is old-fashioned (and I love her that way), especially when it comes to traveling. She makes her calculations when any of us is traveling. She will not let us travel on certain days of the week, certain days on the lunar calendar. For instance, we are not not allowed to travel on Wednesdays and on the night of New Moon . My married sisters cant leave their in-laws' house on Saturdays. Though I find all of it stupid, I secretly enjoy these auspices.

Second, everytime I am leaving home, my mom will put Tika on my forehead and give me something sweet to eat, mostly jaggery. If I am leaving early in the morning, she will wake up long before I wake up, take a bath, prepare the thali with red vermilion, rice, jaggery and that 500 rupee note :) She will wake me up, ask me what I want to eat for breakfast, and what I want to carry for the road. She will cook anything I ask her to. Even if i am not hungry, she will coerce me to finish off what is on my plate because it is not auspicious to leave home without eating.

While I am ready to hop inside the car or take a rickshaw, she is always busy looking for a good sign. Over the years, I have learnt of few of them. For example, it is a very good sign to see green vegetables. If a vegetable seller is passing by, she will instantly buy some greens from him and put them in my bag. It is also a good omen to see sweepers, road cleaners, and the like. If she sees them, she is more than happy to give them some money. Also, it is very auspicious to see a married woman.

After I have left, she will come back inside the house, take two lotas (water vessels), go to a public tap, fill them with water, bring them back in the house and put them in the kitchen. The vessels remain in the kitchen until the time I have called her to let her know that I have reached safely.

On the day I leave, she will not deep-fry anything, will not use broom, not wash her hair, and not eat beaten rice. She follows all these rules with the kind of faith that I want to believe in. All these might have no meaning. Following or not following them might have no connection with my safety during the travels, but I love it when she does all this for me. I have grown up see her follow these rituals and over the years I have come to love the beauty of it all.

I might not follow all of them myself as I grow old, but I will carry in my heart the memory of these beautiful little things that my mother did for me and all of us! <3

Blog Stalker that I am !

Yes, I admit it. I am a blog stalker. I love reading what other people write, to know how they think, to learn about them, their perceptions. When I come across a really nice blog, I exhaust myself up until I have reached the first entry made by the blogger. By the time I have reached that first entry, I have made a close connection with the blogger. I feel like I have discovered a good chunk of his/her personality, life, relationships, faith.

Then there are some blogs which I follow regularly. I love reading them. Sometimes, I envy them for their gift of writing. Sometimes, I envy the people they write for. What beautiful words, what beautiful expressions! I wish I could write as often as some of my favorite bloggers do. I wish I could write with as much ease, as if the words were flowing effortlessly, as if they are talking to the readers.

This post is dedicated to all those amazing bloggers, who inspire me.

THE BIG FAT INDIAN WEDDING...

....Just over and done with one. O Life! What a Relief !

The first of the many to come this year

I am back home after a hectic and an eventful week in Kathmandu. Z got married to the love of her life, to the person I am sure will keep her happy, absolutely happy. They make one of the best matches. It was awesome to be part of the celebrations. The last few months have been emotionally overwhelming and their wedding was a welcome change, a much needed break. It was freezing cold, but we still managed to look perfectly comfortable in our Georgette sarees. I have never had such an expensive hairdo, (which hardly looked like a hairdo), but I did not care. I wanted to have a good time with friends at friends’ wedding. It was exhausting, and all the food that went in our systems was too much to handle, but we ate everything that was served, because all of us were excited for the couple, happy to see them together. Nothing could dampen the spirit, not the weather, not the bandh.

While weddings can make you go crazy with all the work and the formalities, it is a great excuse to bring friends and family together. Z’s wedding was just that. Met some awesome people, and created new friendships.

I wish the newly weds a life long of togetherness.

Aba k huncha?

As someone involved in research projects for a few years, the best part of it is being in the field, talking to people, learning their stories, and sharing a cup of tea with complete strangers. I have been lucky to have been welcomed in almost all places I have visited for my fields. People are generally very warm and inviting. Having someone from the 'sahar' going to talk to them is something valuable for them.

When I am in the fields on various research assignments, I am always asked this one particular question, for which I have no answer. Today, while I was talking to women in a local community about the impact that microcredit has brought in their lives, they answered my questions excitedly. But almost all of them asked me, 'aba k huncha? tapaile yeti dherai kura sodhnu bhayo. Yasko niskarsha k huncha ta? tapaile haamilai jaagir dine ho ta?' In times like these, I question the significance of research. Do research projects lead to something valuable for the community?

Research reports compile a lot of recommendations for different stakeholders. Some recommendations are great, some not so great. But I wonder if those recommendations are looked into properly to have them implemented. It certainly is not the researcher's responsibility to get them implemented, but yes, the question of 'aba k huncha?' does certainly fall upon the researchers. Tomorrow I am going for my field visit again. I hope I am not asked this question for which I have no concrete answer.