Period.

I have been such a complaining old lady for such a long time that I feel exhausted. I am tired of feeling this way. Have you ever felt your body ache so much that at some point the pain ceases to exist, to make you feel any worse? I have reached exactly that point where I have stopped feeling terrible, really. What is the point of carrying the burden on your shoulders when you know that the burden is doing no good to you?

There might be millions of issues in my life, but who doesn't? So,

With March
coming to an end
I am putting my Miseries
to an end as well.

The day's shopping

Potatoes-1/2 kg
Onions-1/2 kg
Carrot-1/2 kg
Cauliflower-1 kg
Carrot-0.25 kg
Tomatoes-0.25 kg
Green peas-0.25 kg
Coriander-worth rupees 5
Oranges-1/2 kg (remember today is Thursday!)

This is my shopping for the day. The last time I shopped for vegetables was like three weeks back. I had got lesser vegetables than I got today, and they lasted for more than two weeks. So, I think I will not need to go vegetable shopping for another three weeks this time. I have been too lazy to cook and have been feeding myself with soups and noodles and pasta for dinner. The last time I cooked a proper meal for myself was last to last Saturday.

On the bright side of things (which is not at all bright), gas cylinder is scarce, vegetables expensive, and water a luxury. Cooking less is not that bad an option after all!

Hamro traffic prahari

Traffic Police: Baini, kaagaj patra boknu bhako cha?
Me: Cha dai, dekham?
Traffic Police: Thikai cha. Pardaina. Tapaile drink ta garnu bhako chaina?
Me: Kaha drink garnu dai. Jhan kaam bata farkidai chu.
Traffic Police: Eh, ani kaile garnu hunna ho?
Me: Gardina dai.
Traffic Police: Ekdum ramro kura. Garnu hundaina pani.

This conversation with the traffic police made me laugh after a whole day of serious meetings. I am a big fan of our traffic police. Kathmandu has one of the worst traffic in the world. There are a lot of reasons behind this. The main reason is lack of discipline among the Nepalese. I feel that our traffic police are tirelessly working to feed we Nepalese with some kind of discipline. I strongly believe that they are one of the most hardworking group in the whole of government system. I dedicate this post to all of them who are relentlessly trying to make commuting a little less pain in the neck.

Love in the Time of Cholera

In my last post, I had committed to write about this book by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. 'Love in the Time of Cholera.' I had wanted to read this book for a long time. I got the book last year during the annual book fest at Bhrikuti Mandap. I was there with DR and got a total of four books, including this one. DR had told me 'You really don't mind spending all your money on books, do you?'

Anyway, it took me quite some time to finish reading this book. It is a thick book, and the font size is too small, spacing too less. Moreover, it is not a light read. I had read half of the book last year during my travels. I got so busy in so many things that I had to take a break from reading. When i got back to the book nearly half year later, I still remembered everything I had read and consumed. It is not an ordinary book, for sure. I kept thinking about the story, about Fermina Daza, about Florentino Ariza. I loved the book for a lot of reasons. First, undoubtedly is the writing. Mr Marquez writes like a dream. He creates magic with his words and description.

About the story, I like the story. It is about love between two people, Fermina Daza and Florentino Ariza, who fail to unite during their youth because Fermina's father wouldn't approve of their union for the reasons of class. She is married off to another man, Juvenal Urbino, a doctor, who in many ways serves as a counterpoint to Florentino’s overblown romanticism. To the outside world, their marriage seems perfect, but there are lots of imperfections that only the couple knew, and that we readers can identify. The book catalogs all the meaningless details of everyday life shared by two people bound together (all the unpleasant smells, degrading tasks, and dulling routines; all the unspoken bitterness and rancor; all the sullenness and gloom).

Florentino's love for Fermina doesn't frizzle away and he waits for her, like a mad lover all his life (almost half a century to be precise), waiting for her husband to die. And her husband dies, in the most comical way, to say the least. I know its mean to say this, but tha'ts what happens in the story. I hardly feel any kind of pain when he dies.

After Urbino's death, Florentino ends his self-imposed emotional exile of fifty-one years, nine months, and four days and declares his "everlasting love” to Fermina–while she’s attending to her husband’s funeral. She is outraged, forbids him to return, but he persists. His philosophical letters to Fermina makes her realize his wisdom and maturity, and their unrequited love is allowed to blossom in their old age.

Like you can see, the story is not extraordinary, really. There are snippets, moments, expressions, emotions, and and twists in the story that makes it special. I loved reading the book. I too wanted them to unite, although I am not sure whether I like Florentino or not.

While the readers might get an impression that Florentino's love for Fermina is chaste and meditative, I don't know how to judge him. During his wait for Fermina, Florentino makes love with many women. Although he never really loved any of them, at some point, I feel remorse towards him, especially during the end when he starts having sex with a fourteen year old girl América Vicuña, who is sent to live with Florentino. He is supposed to be her guardian while she is in school, but of course, he doesn't really fulfill his duties faithfully. The little girl, after her rejection by Florentino, commits suicide. For me, this point illustrates Florentino's selfish nature, and I kind of detest him.

Fermina Daza is also a very confusing character herself. She is easily made to believe by her father that Florentino is not her equal and that their love is nothing more than folly. She agrees to marry another man without any sadness. She forgets about Florentino the day she is married to Dr Urbino. She encounters Florentino every now and then, but feels nothing for him. But after her husband dies, she realizes how alone she is left and gets back to Florentino, erasing 50 years from her mind, as if nothing had happened. I find it humorous in a lot of ways.

Despite these feelings for the two central characters, I enjoyed reading the book. I am not sure if I will call the book as sentimental, or a story about the enduring power of true love. But, like they say, the matters of the heart are the most difficult to define and comprehend. That is what I am left with as I read through the last page of the book.

I just finished reading 'Love in the Time of Cholera'. I will soon be posting my thoughts about the book. For now, all I can say is, it is one book that has left a deep impression on me.

It was a crazy Saturday, absolutely exhausted. I can hardly open my eyes.

Skype Moment

I opened my Skype account some three years ago. It was for an online course and we had monthly skype sessions with all participants and fortnightly sessions with my mentor. After the course was over, I have hardly signed in into my skype account, and I tend to forget that I have one. I have to keep requesting a new password, because I always forget the old one. Moreover, I like skype only for non-video conversations. Somehow, I am not very comfortable with the video thing. I can't video-chat, not even with the closest of people. Its a funny feeling.

My sister had been pestering me to be on skype for some days now. So, today we finally skype-talked. She was absolutely excited, and was ready on the video call. I denied her video call but we talked. I could see her smiling face. She was angry that she couldn't see me, but I convinced her that there was something wrong with my webcam. I always make that excuse whenever I am asked to video chat.

It felt good talking to my sister like that. I had heard other people's experiences of talking on Skype. I had underestimated the emotional high. It was super exciting to be able to see my cute lil nephew. He had no idea why his mommy was swinging him up and down in front of a blank computer screen. He was looking uber handsome. And he gave me a flying kiss. I couldn't stop smiling. It was beautiful--my skype moment.

The Irongate Entrants

I normally sleep late these days, and as a result, it takes a lot of effort for me to wake up on time every morning. Today, while I was struggling to get up, I heard giggles and laughter coming from the street. With dreamy eyes, I looked out of the window and saw a group of young kids, dressed in their school uniforms, with the bright red tika on their forehead, with their school bags and hardboards, passing by from my place. I knew right away that those bunch of kids were heading to their examination centres for the first day of their School Leaving Certificate (SLC) exams. Oh! how happy they looked.

All their childhood, they have probably been fed with the fact, just like all of us were, that SLC is THE IRONGATE, passing which is going to ensure that they have a good life. They must have worked insanely hard to make sure that they get good marks, they must have had a lot of joint study sessions with their friends, they must have enrolled themselves in 'n' number of tuition centres, they must have had a lot of sleepless nights, and they must have let go off a lot of fun time, just for these nine days. I can so much relate to them.

They must now be thinking that the end of these nine days is going to be an end of their miserable life and that life will be a lot easier thereafter. But I don't know how many of them know that this is just the beginning. Life is going to be a lot more difficult, a lot more complicated, and a lot more harsh. I was never told pre-SLC that I would have to fulfill so many expectations, I was not told that I will have to work a lot harder to prove myself. Now when I think of everything, giving SLC exams was nothing, really. All I had to do was study hard. Everything else was taken care of. My mom would cook and clean for me, papa would fulfill my needs, my sisters would make sure I was comfortable. It is not the same anymore (I am not complaining, its just that way for everyone).

I am completely against creating this dreamy world for these little kids who are allured, and misguided. We need to be a lot more practical in our guidance and mentorship. We need to prepare them for what is waiting ahead for them. They should know what real world actually looks and feels like. Next time, when my cousin, my friend's sister, or my nieces and nephews are preparing for SLC, I will make sure that they know that this phase of their life is not the end all, and that it is just the beginning of life. I will wish them luck for what lies ahead of them.

Regret

It is the last word I would use to describe what we had. Strange. You chose it as the first.

Too muddled up to think of a title

Can a person be happy and sad at the same time? I find emotions very complex to comprehend. I feel happy for one reason, but absolutely sad for the other. Its a weird feeling. I can't deal with it alone. So, I have been bugging few of my friends just to ease myself, to put it off from my heart. I know its not fair. I don't even know if they like to be bugged by my troubles but I don't know what else to do. I don't know why am I writing this here? Makes no sense, but still I am doing it. Heights of pagalpan I know.

New job

This is the fifth day at my new office. After waiting for more than a month and then going through three rounds of assessment, it feels good to be sitting here and writing this. Technically, its been five months that I haven't had an office space to work. Moreover, I have never had a 'real job' ever since I graduated. I have always liked the freedom that I have enjoyed with all my jobs. While I had to fulfill certain formalities in all of my previous offices, it was not like now. So, this is a nice new experience for me.

Here, I feel like a real 'employee'. I have to sign the employee register every morning and evening, I have a separate desk (though it is not like a real desk), and I just got my share of office supplies including a notebook, a diary, a pen, a punching machine, a stapler, and a box of pins. Today, I signed the contract, filled like hundred forms, including the one providing details for an official visiting card for myself, and completed the formalities for opening an 'Employee Bank Account' without having to go to a bank. :)

My team leader has not been very demanding. He has given me a week to settle down in the new office. So, I am just taking my time this week to know the new place, people, processes, and so many other stuffs. But I know that next week onwards, I will no more be a 'new' employee. I will have no excuse for my mistakes, I will just another one in this huge office of 250 people. I am preparing myself for the worst.

Wish me luck!

The cost of astrology

So, it had started few months back. I was low on life, low on luck, low on everything.I am a firm believer of destiny. But somehow, during that time, I packed that belief in the closet of my mind. I didn't like what was happening to my life. So, I asked my mom to seek some astrological advice from an expert. When life takes a negative turn, rationality and open mindedness ceases to exist. I wanted to be told that yes, my stars were not in the right positions, and that it was not my fault that nothing in my life was going right. And the 'astrologer' did just that. He told me that malai brihaspati ko dasha lageko cha (I had something wrong with my brihaspati). He asked me to do the following things:

1. Kera ko bot ko puja every Thursday. (Pahelo luga lagayera)

2. Thursday ko barta (by barta I mean a real kind of fasting. I eat only yellowish fruits--count oranges only)

3. Wear a gold ring with yellow sapphire on it

So, the first two options were not too difficult for me. I have done them in the past. The difficult part was finding kera ko bot in Kathmandu, and yes, I dont have any yellow color ko luga. But, somehow, I solved both the problems. Fasting is not a big deal for me. I used to fast a lot just a couple of years back. I used to fast every Tuesdays, then after I was told that girls don't fast on Tuesdays, I started fasting every Monday. I used to fast during the nine days of Durga Puja (Navaratri), I fasted for 21 Fridays and used to eat only at night after taking a bath (regardless of the cold) and doing puja. I still fast during Shivaratris, on Mondays during Shrawan, and few other days. Don't judge me, please. Many people laugh at me for fasting, making me feel embarrassed. But I think fasting once a week is very healthy. Anyway, I have already fasted for 5 Thursdays, and it has not been very difficult.

So, the most difficult part was the third option. I have never shopped for gold on my own. I don't know which shops sell original yellow sapphire and which sell the fake ones while claiming them to be real. I was in a state of fix for the last one month. I visited a lot of shops in the meantime, but I couldn't decide who to trust. So, I turned up to my aunt and today, I visited a shop in New Road to order for my ring. The shopkeeper gave us a lot of options so as to help us decide. I decided on a medium size sapphire some 7.5 carat (which he claimed to be the perfect choice), on 22 carat gold to be weighed 4 gram approx. He diligently made his calculations. When he turned the calculator towards me, I wished I hadn't come to the shop, I wished I hadn't complained about my bad luck, I wished my mom had not consulted the astrologer, I wished the astrologer had not recommended the third option to me, and I wished so many other wishes.

But it was too late. I had no choice. So, I agreed to pay to the shopkeeper what he had quoted (BTW, it was a discounted price, thanks to my aunt). I am supposed to pick the ring on Tuesday and wear it for the first time on Thursday. I hope that the golden ring with the yellow sapphire brings me enough luck so that I can at least get back the value of the money I have splurged on it!

Saturday Morning

Something must be seriously wrong with me. It is a Saturday morning, which I was waiting for a few days now. I wanted to sleep to my heart's content. The week was eventful and overwhelming. I was sleep deprived for few days, and was thinking may be I could use this Saturday to sleep all I wanted to. But I got up at 4:00 this morning.

Its been four hours and I have been on my computer, doing senseless things like googling my friends name to see if there is something new I can find about them (crazy i know), downloading this movie called 'Pyaar ka panch naama' from You Tube, (after all the hype that the movie created, it is a shame that I have still not watched it), made a cup of tea for myself and enjoyed it while listening to all to all the Sufi songs that I have, read few pages of Love in the Time of Cholera (it is a BEAUTIFUL book..highly recommended), stalked some blogs, watched the KONY2012 video (esp because of the controversy it is creating), practiced for my test, and after staring at the screen for about 10 minutes not knowing what to blog about, I am nearly done with it.

And now, when its time to clean and cook, I am drowsy. :(

Yettikai rambling

Sometimes I think the best years of my life are over. Kasto pessimistic hai? I am normally not like this. tara budhi huna thale jasto cha ma. I feel scared. Just to think about withering years. I am the youngest of three sisters and I have always enjoyed being one. tara youngest nai bhaye pani, I am growing old. My sisters were both married at my age. My eldest sister gave birth to two daughters by this time. Ma chahi ajhai aafulai bacchha nai thanchu. Khaas thanchu chahi hoina, but I wish I could go back to my early 20s and give my age as an excuse for my naivete, for my mistakes, for my 'sab thikai cha ni' attitude..Aha! so now you know that I have crossed my early 20s..s**t...i don't like the sound of it.

Ali umer dhalkina thale pachi (o myaaannn, i do sound budhi here), your priorities change..your likes and dislikes change, your sense of style changes, your perspective towards world changes. You start attending so many wedding parties that it stops making sense, or alluring you. All my friends, classmates, colleagues, acquaintances, juniors, seniors, friends of friends and the whole world seems to be getting married. Fb kholna ni alchi lagna thali sakyo..kati bihe ko matra photos. Sabai behuli haru ramri dekhincha bihe ma...tara we still tell the behuli(s) that 'You made the best bride ever.' Weddings, while a sacred union of two people, has turned so much into this massive business that I feel...umm...i dont know what..may be disgusted..or may be a little less than disgusted. I cant seem to get the right word.

Tyestai, aajkal party haru ramailo lagna chodisakyo..i mean if i am given two options of either going out with friends or spending some time at home with those friends, I will undoubtedly choose the second option. Halla khalla dherai man pardaina. Some quiet time is all I need with my friends. Ramailo ta yettikai huncha tyespachi!

Ek dui barsha agadi jun group ma moj garinthyo, tyo group ta kasto distant lagna thalisakyo. I can no more relate to them. It is so strange but saanchi, tyestai huncha aajkal. I keep thinking about what caused this distance tara I don't have a definite answer. Uniharuka ra mera bichaar farak chan hola.

Aru ta tyestai ho, with passing age, you also realize the value of relationships, love, sacrifice. Pahila pahila, aafno baarema dherai sochinthyo, ahile tyesto hundaina. Maybe yasailai nai manche le 'you are growing wiser, and not older' bhanne gareka chan!